May 15, 2006

Rain

It is lashing everything outside and the time is past midnight. I have waited for this for so long in the searing heat of this summer and yet it is scary and thrilling at the same time. I know not why I fear it. Maybe it is because the accompanying gale is a pretty stiff one and every now and then I hear things falling or crashing, as it often does it this part of the world. I worry for all my friends, some are out of their homes enjoying the Sunday, while I have not heard from some others. I wish and hope they are all safe and that they all are fine.

As it has been the case of late, time spent doing nothing is a commodity that has been hard to find. But I have managed to keep myself happy, more or less, with limited expectations and a slightly better or even positive outlook on the way things are. Maybe it is after all only about perspective and the old adage about the state of the glass being half full or half empty as you may desire to see it. I don’t think life will get simpler from this point on; while the opposite will be the case with complications.

Honestly, the change did not happen accidentally. It just struck me recently that I had become an unbearably brooding personality. The job has also helped a lot in realizing that. Unlike in my previous jobs, this one requires me to interact and carry along a bunch of different people with me constantly, to keep it all together. What I noticed was that even when I wanted to perform efficiently and with excellence, the pall of gloom would cut in, blocking everything off. Eventually, nothing gets done and that is not acceptable for me.

Of course, I could manage the odd day by covering up the darkness and I have always liked the thrill of a crisis, which always makes me perform at my best. But that is the point too, that it does not have to be a crisis or some form of pretence for things to work. That’s just not right. And I don’t like people who are negative all the time or people who are insecure and constantly complaining about things and I’d become all that and much more.

I am also disgusted by the riders that accompany every positive statement I can dig up. “Things are fine right now, but they can go awry anytime.” “I had a wonderful time, but I can’t accept as much because I am afraid it won’t happen again.” I think the twenty plus odd years of my life have hardly been exemplary, but that does not mean that what’s left of it have to be in the same vein too. I have made mistakes, let down a lot of people and been a rank jerk at times, but it is really about time that I let all of that go and try to be happy for a change. I think I do deserve that much for myself.