March 30, 2006
It was somewhere during the weekend that passed that I hit the lowest I have fallen to in a very long time, without the help the of alcohol and with the help of the singular realisation that even after almost six years of actually being on my own, not a lot a had changed. I could not figure out what it was that I could differently or if I even had it in me to start all over again. But something I knew for sure was that I just could not go on like that.
There was a lot I wanted to say to people that I liked and even to the ones that I did not like that much anymore, but, for reasons that varied, I could not speak to even one of them. Which was, for all the so-called improvements or changes that I have enforced over the past six years, a situation eerily similar to the state of emotional comatose I had left home back in the fag end of 1997. I did not feel bitter or angry, but sad beyond what I could express in words or any other manner.
So, where do we go from here? I have not made up my mind yet. There are faint ideas and things resembling plans. But hey, it is not easy to pick up the pieces for the umpteenth time and look for variations to draw when you have tried almost all possible ones. For one, I think I will be a little less naïve and stop taking the spoken word for what it is. It does not quite work out that way. Even if you can handle your own craziness (just about that is), it is not kosher to assume everyone else around you can.
In all honesty, I am not the best person you would have known, but I probably would not be quite the worst one either. Somehow I have to enforce what I have preached for a long time in my own life – that you have to make a positive choice if you want something to work for you. Having no faith in yourself or your abilities do work against that edict, so does waiting in the shadows and hoping for hand-me-downs or choices driven by a lack of others. The good thing is, even if I don’t know what works for me, at least now I know what does not. Or is that a bad thing actually?