March 23, 2006

Game


The Key
Originally uploaded by codelust.
How can it be that you are leading more or less of the life that you wanted to live and still be tremendously bored and disinterested in most of the things that are in it? The feeling sways between phases of benign indifference and an all-conquering malignant disappointment. It is not like I have had it quite easy in life. I have had my fair share of problems and self-doubt and I still have both in decent quantities, but it is also not the case that life has been too unkind to me and there is nobody who leads a life without problems. So, is it a case of over-expectation or do I brood just for the sake of it?

At least earlier I used to look forward to new things to light up my life, even for a short interval. Now almost everything induces at the most a tired “oh” from me and most times I just don’t care much. It is not that recent a phenomenon though. I remember, even before I came to Delhi, things that would send most people into an emotional twirl doing nothing to me. And it is not like I don’t feel much, I still do and uncontrollably at times, but it does not progress much beyond that. You know, “shit happens”, “things do work out every now and then” and life trundles on unaffected for most parts.

Maybe it is an overarching sense of self-importance that acts a platform from which I look down on people that is the root cause of all of this. And I do look down on people with regards to my strengths, while I dismiss my shortcomings as abilities that are only of social and no personal import. But it does lead me to play this cat-and-mouse game, where I look to be understood and not be understood at the same time. The trouble is, I am losing interest even in that game. It is just way too boring. After a while you tend to know all the steps, all the right things to say and all the conclusions in advance.

All this has one funny side product. To keep myself convinced that I am still very human and normal, I work myself up into a state of excitement about things I know I don’t give much of a damn about. It is like window shopping for the sake of doing it. In a way, it is like parole time for me from the staid emotional jail term I have been sentenced to. But what worries me is that the same does not extend to people anymore, I can’t be arsed to have my heart go flutter or genuinely work up some heat into the frozen innards of my heart. “Why bother? This too shall pass”, is the only refrain.

To end on a considerably lighter note, I had recently heard from my father that he had stumbled on to my blog (hello father, if you are still reading it and really god save you if sit down and read most of it). I muttered some half-hearted explanation to him about what a blog was and if it was written by me in the first place. You see, I was just not in the mood once again. It has become a very over prevailing theme of late, but, looking at the brighter side, it does help me sit up late in the night and write things on my blog that would not make sense for most. Can you see the game?