March 27, 2006

Finally


03-26-06_1903
Originally uploaded by codelust.
After all, it is all about the connections you make, is it not? It is so rare and hard these days to find one of those. Through the day, I meet so many people and with each I spend a split second looking into their eyes, trying to catch that unknown half-glimpse that will set them apart, in terms of how they are and what they have to say. On most days, it is like fishing and not one materializes. Even when they do, what comes across quite often is derision, delusion and plaintiveness. None of which represent that unknown I want to know.

It is so easy to go through the motions on a day-to-day basis, smile and listen your way through things, but inside you take half a step back every day till you realize one day that you have walked half a mile and a lifetime away from the ones you have known and the ones that have known you. Sometimes, all of this happens so unknowingly that the sudden distance and the stench of your own isolation startles you out of the trance that is called your existence. And in the eerie silence that follows, you make an unpleasant love with what remains of your memories, dreams and life.

In a couple of weeks, the summer will come visiting once again in its sweaty and intense self. I should be worrying about the air conditioning that I will have to get done this year. I should be over the moon that the years of hard work are paying off finally. But I am not. I am thinking of leaving. For where? I don’t know. For what? I don’t know. I’d like to believe that I have plans and that I am charting out my own destiny. But the truth is that I have none. I have nothing to call my own other than this lingering feeling that I have finally had enough. Maybe it is indeed time to move on.