February 20, 2006

Relate

The one feeling that is overwhelming me now is exhaustion. It has been three days since I have been far removed from a life and a routine that I am used to and one that I love to live. The bright side is that I am neither running nor picking a fight at every possible juncture, but the hard thing about living with a past that is anything but forgettable is that, even in a situation where there is not a single act of intentional provocation, every word said and every moment spent drains you out, physically and emotionally.

But one thing I am certain about is that I love my other routine life, even if it does not end up making the people whom I am supposed to love and care for happy. I guess, with all the whining that I do, I don’t sound thankful enough for it, but I am eternally grateful for it, especially when you consider that I was a total and possibly unrecoverable wreck by the time I had just hit my twenties. It has indeed been a long journey from there, most don’t even recognize me from that time, but that’s okay, I can live with that.

Over the past three days I have heard everything about almost everyone I’ve known back home. It has been a veritable nostalgia trip. I have felt curious at the best, indifferent at the most, with helpings of angst filling up the blanks in between. Sometimes I do wonder what they, if they do at all, remember me as. I do wonder how can I feel so distant and unattached to the places and people I have spent twenty plus years of my life with. Am I just deluding myself, or has the umbilical cord actually been severed? I just don’t know.

There are a lot of expectations from me for a lot of people. The folks and the relatives want me to get married before the end of the year because I am “ripe” for the picking. Now, which fruit would I’d rather be, jackfruit, mango or, if you take into account my skin colour, an apricot? And oh, it is “perfectly okay” to fuck around till you get married and then settle down with a perfectly “virgin and cultured girl” who has “excellent values”. Apparently, everyone does these things these days and it is no great secret either.

Maybe I should make use of the rare opportunity and ask for anatomical specifics. I could even start a new trend that way, create history and make a name for myself! But I won’t. This is just a temporary interlude or a brief digression for me. Meanwhile, the expectations are there from my friends too. In the past six months I have changed a fair bit and most of the changes are not good ones according to them. I’d rather not call them good, bad or anything else. I am just learning, teaching myself to figure out what is important for me and how to stand my ground. In today’s world nobody’s going to do that for you. Either you do it for yourself or it just won’t get done.

By the way, I am not saying that I won’t ever get married. I am only saying that I will get married only to the person whom I am THAT comfortable with, in a manner that is in accordance with my viewpoint of how such a special occasion should be celebrated. With my exceptionally high expectations, there is a fairly good chance that such a turn of events just might not happen, but I don’t really care much for lineage and legacy. It is a fuckall world we live in these days and last thing I want is to knowingly be with someone and be unhappy about it. It is just not fair on anyone in that case.

Of course, there have been plenty of queries: “don’t you miss home? Don’t you miss your family? Even people who go abroad come back a year or two later to visit their homeland, you don’t feel anything?” Actually, I don’t miss it much. I am curious as to what changes might have happened there, but other than that I do dread seeing people who are too caught up in making their lives and lives of other people miserable for no good reason at all. And it is not like I am absolutely happy here either. But at least I am trying to see what my heart is asking me to do and that is no simple feat in itself.

Even though I’ve managed to cross many a shaky bridge, I still do have differing degrees of self-doubt in different things in my life. At times I do wonder if I really know anything at all about what I am talking about, brining forth the earlier mentioned “being on to something” feeling, which I don’t quite know if it is real or if it is something that my mind is tricking me into feeling. But there is something resembling a path that I can see through the thicket, with time and I luck I should be able to hack through it.