February 11, 2006

Ominous

It feels like someone has flicked a switch and turned my life off from the way it used to be. I cannot quite recognize the person I have become in the past couple of months. You can call me insensitive, wayward and inconsiderate and I would admit to all of those without batting an eyelid. Mind you, it is not like I am doing all this with an intent to piss off everyone around me. They are more like, to use an uncharitable phrase, collateral damage, there is little you can do to help me, the best you can probably do is to stay out of my way.

But there is an underlying desire to be the worst I can be and see how many can stand or survive that. To quote the now deceased Bill, “I'd like to believe that you're aware enough even now to know that there's nothing sadistic in my actions. At this moment, this is me at my most masochistic”. There is no other agenda at play other than pure self preservation. In a lot of ways, it is an act of desperation, a final gambit to go all in with what you are and see if the gamble pays off. If it does not, well, it is not quite worth struggling on in this manner anyway. There is only so much that emotional duct tape can do to hold yourself together. Eventually we all have to fall in one way or the other. I guess it is finally my time to do the same.

In the process I am hurting a lot of people around me, people, to whom I have been anything but cruel and inconsiderate before. But this progression is not about them, it is about me. It is a journey that I have to make for myself. It is a process whose logical end I must seek out by myself. I do not expect any mercy or sympathy. I’d love to say that I don’t care about such things. The fact is that I do, but at this juncture I don’t have the time or patience for those things. The simplest way of putting it across being, don’t come any closer unless you want to attract a lot of unwanted trouble your way. And if you do, please don’t complain later or tell me that I did not warn you.