February 18, 2006

Knotted, twice over

I don't think it is such a good idea to make a decision in the fear of something you want to avoid. After two hours of a conversation, where the other side was trying to convince me why I should get married as soon as possible, I have emerged more or less unscathed and even more convinced that marriage is just not the route for me. How long can we really live in fear that we will all grow old some day, that we'll catch some horrible disease and be immobilized for the rest of our lives and make all our decisions based on things that might or might not happen some time in the future?

Let us be honest, with the lifestyles that we have these days, there is a fairly good chance that most of us would have at least one major ailment even before we pass the midlife crisis milestone. All you probably are going to get is some 10 - 12 prime years of your life where you should put in the best you can and if you are going to blow all of that up making decisions based on your fears, you really won't get anywhere. And no, I don't hold anything against the people who don't follow the same lonely, tortuous route as mine. It is just that this is my route, my choice and my only way.

This is a particularly difficult time for me, not as much in terms of emotional turmoil as it is in terms of the decisions I am making, even in cases where I could afford to put them off for a while. I'm making changes that will have a long-term impact on my life and possibly in the lives of people around me. But I've really had enough of being apologetic about what I am and hiding behind the shadows about my feelings. Even if I have just a couple more years to live, I don't want it to go to waste doing the done thing. I want all of it to be the best (at least for me) and nothing less will do.

Have you ever had this sneaky feeling, in the back of your mind, no matter how hard you try to deny it, that you are on to something?