February 21, 2006

In difference

The problem and the opportunity is that life is a game of possibilities. The same indifference that hurts you the most can be turned around as a positive feature to ward off unsavoury feelings and reactions to many an unpleasant thing. On more than one occasion I have hidden behind my greatest botheration in recent times, the same indifference, to avoid being drawn into conversations and debates that only hold more hurt for me. All those times I end up asking myself if I even care what anyone thinks, if it even matters to me or if I even care what happens to anyone around me.

It is more or less true that I don't really care much anymore, which is different from not feeling about anything. I do feel, but I don't feel that it is of any importance. I feel afloat most of the times, going through the motions and watch life rush by me, not wanting much, not asking for much, just wanting to exist till I have to and then disappear without telling anyone or not letting anyone notice, that I ever did exist or that I even left. Now is a death of sorts actually and I don't mind or fear it much. In fact I might even go to the extent of saying that I do enjoy it a fair bit.

To be lost and to not belong can't be the same thing. I have come to realise, contrary to what I think, that I am not lost at all. The thing is that I just don't belong anywhere. Everyone tries to make me hold on to something, anchor me in something, while I cannot. I just cannot. I keep rolling like tumbleweed, gathering only age and more grey, while love slips gently through my innards every time, even when I want to desperately hold on to it. Now I am tired and I am weary, with no fight left in me, so I am indifferent, for all I can do is to roll and roll forever till when decay and disease will finally consume me.

Now you're no longer talking, And I'm no longer listening
There's nothing left to say, Said it anyway, Said it anyway....