January 06, 2006

Smile?

Something that has been bothering over the past few days is how unhappy most people I know are these days. It is an unending sequence of things that have gone wrong, things that are not working out and things that were never right from the word go. Even in the case of exceptions, where they are happy with their current state of being, scratching a bit under the surface reveals a state of guarded optimism at the best and steadfast denial at the worst. My own case, which I have totally given up on, is no different. Why are all of us so sad and miserable? Does there exist a situation where you are happy without being delusional?

Languishing in my bed yesterday, after yet another emotional dust up, I was wondering where have all those people who used to make us smile vanished? I don't mind being around to cheer up my friends and I do end up playing the joker more often than not to lighten up moods and situations. But after a while it gets to be really tiring. Your own backlog of problems never get properly addressed in the first place, that probably never will anyway, but the killer is the persistent onslaught of problem after problem. I can't even remember when was the last time I had met someone who made me smile.

A large part of the problem can also be attributed the way we live our lives. I dearly love doing things which I know should not be doing. I'll admit to it not for sounding saintly, but to selfishly preserve my own sanity. I had forced my friend into being in a relationship with me a month after I'd broken up with the person I was seeing for close to a year before that. As my better (and much ignored) instinct and a handful of close friends had pointed out, it was way too early for all that, I lost my nerve in galactic proportions somewhere along the way, did all the things that I should not have done by being unfaithful, inconsiderate and downright insensitive. In such a situation, the line "I am normally not like this" means shit.

That I am a prick of the greatest order is no great revelation, I have known that for a while now, only if I could convince everyone around me about it, life would be considerably easier. But coming back to the topic at hand, why is that these days we end up doing all the things that are required to destroy good things than to protect and embellish it? Is it because quick fixes are easy? And if we are choosing the quick fix route, why do we clamour for destinations that can only be reached by routes that hold at least a glimmer of permanence in them. Are we all nothing but naked hypocrites holding a court full of like minded and deluded people?

Of course, there are other possibilities. There is never enough time for anything and there are a fair number of deviants, including myself, among us. In such a situation, when you differ from the norm, is there any reason in expecting any fruits that are accrued only by following the norm? I guess the answer would be "no". I am not attributing even any half decent possibilities to this. If you look for a one night stand or a string of flings, that is precisely what you get. It won't get you any emotional sustenance, even the physical sustenance is doubtful at the best, but why do we still look for both when we say we are in it only for the short run?