January 12, 2006

Gash

It has been one of those days. I am tired, emotionally and physically, beyond what I can express in words. There is an impending final slash that would sever the tattered sinews of the last relationship, which I can't come to terms with. It has become a wide open gash, both in my soul and psyche, that is encompassing everything around me these days. I wish I could just forgive myself, forget the whole episode and move on or have another go at it, make it work and walk into the golden sunset. But I can't seem to do either and I seem destined to wander, for a while at least, not being dead or being alive.

It has shaken me to the core that I can affect anyone in such a manner. Ideally, it should be flattering, It should have provided my ego with a tremendous boost. Instead, I feel shattered from the inside. I just can't seem to come to terms with the fact that I am going to pay the price of losing that person entirely from my life for the treatment I have meted out to her. It is not a fair enough price, in the sense that it is way too less for the crime and the heartache caused, but I can't seem to stop asking myself "why did it all have to come to this?" After all that I've seen, I should have known better. Apparently, that makes no difference to me.