January 19, 2006

The Edge

To describe the situation accurately, a quote from the Bard's classic work on the famous Roman emperor is in order.

Between the acting of a dreadful thing
And the first motion, all the interim is
Like a phantasma, or a hideous dream:
The genius and the mortal instruments
Are then in council; and the state of man,
Like to a little kingdom, suffers then
The nature of an insurrection.

Well, the context is actually significantly different. I am not on my way to killing anyone or myself for that matter (though the exact point of my existence has always been questionable), but this interim is indeed a hideous dream, with no sign of internal peace anywhere in sight. But I do realise that I stand at the very edge now from where I can either drop blindly or hold this unbearable ground for the rest of my life. Things have to change and they have to change soon. Eventually, those in the middle only get run over. To survive, you need to pick your side. It is about time I picked mine.

Life now consists mainly of troubleshooting and other regular duties at work and a bit of gaming, mixing practice and sleep at home. The thoughts don't wander anymore, they are more like a rampaging herd now, leaving me clinging for dear life. There are conversations, but only among many shades of myself. I seem to hate any kind of company and desire the perfect non-existent. The only respite comes in the form of music -- two Junkie XL remixes (Dilruba by Niyaz and Talk by Coldplay) and RR Workshop's Electrolux. All three are excellent tracks and don't ask me where to get them from, let the lord be your shepherd and lead you to greener musical pastures. Talk, I believe, expresses it best:

Are you lost or incomplete;
Do you feel like a puzzle,
You can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how you feel
Well i feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me.