November 19, 2005


The sane part of my mind tells me that I should slow down, steady the ship a bit, stop all the crazy behaviour and be one of those children that the parents would be proud of. Instead, the insane half seems to have taken complete control, like a mad clown driving a noisy, about-to-self-destruct steam engine, driving me faster and faster to an unknown point where nothing can remain unscathed. Maybe, like a good friend tells me, I just want to believe it that way to escape the responsibilities for my actions, but the momentum is maddening and there seems to be no slowing it down.

As the months pass away one by one, a common thread I have noticed is that I am willfully destroying all that is valuable and sacred to me, in a quest for an unknown abyss. The mind seems to be trying to make the point that since most of what I have valued has already been destroyed when I did try really hard to keep them safe, it would be a nice challenge to destroy the little that is left, by myself and not give circumstances or fate that option. I know it is something like the old 'nam concept of destroying the village to save it, but I am certainly doing just that.

The thing is, I don't quite know what would I achieve at the end of all of this. In all probability, I would only end up crying even more once I achieve that end and it is scary to know that you are in fact scripting your own self-destruction. In a way, I think it is also reflective of the desire to escape my own self and become someone I have always despised and see if any part of me would be left standing after that. Why anyone would want to do something crazy as that is anybody's guess. I think I want to kill the desire to be normal once and for all, throw it out of the window and move on in life.