November 03, 2005


Needless to say, but it has been a tough time of late. Work has not exactly been rocking, and the same goes for the personal life too. All this calls for another lock out period. Need to hunker down revisit the basics since I have no ground beneath my feet now. And right on cue, the other voice in my head, which often gives me the very rude and very unbiased perspective on things has vanished. I do not know where it has gone, but it is not there anymore, turning an already unpleasant situation into an even worse one. It should not be this way, but it is. Have no other choice than to deal with it.
I always used to think that a lot of the problems I have acquired over time, of being too independent and having trust issues, would go away once I settle down to a nice rhythm in life. Right now, I am discovering that it is not the case. Standing behind the line of trusting anyone, I am capable of feats that defy a lot of logic, but I can't seem to cross the damned line even when I want to. It works against my system and I am sick of having both halves fight it out within myself. Inside I feel like one of those civil war-torn countries you get to see only on television, burnt, broken and beaten totally out of shape.
You know most times you wish you could say with pride that "I've grown up", "I know what I want to do" etc in your life. I thought I had finally reached that plateau, but in the past month or so I have proven it to myself that it is otherwise. I am torn between being able to believe that it is possible to live in a way that you want to live, which might be quite different from the way others do, and conceding defeat and lining up my set of compromises. I know it might not look like a compromise to others and that I might be sounding more than a tad demeaning. But that is the way I feel and while I am not labelling it thus, I am not apologetic about it either.
There has to be more to life. It can't just end at settling down with wife, kids, two dogs and two cars. If that is the case a huge number of people on earth must be blissfully happy, while most of them are not. Okay, I would even admit that it is just the beginning and not the end. But there must be more. You know little, tiny things, like feeling special, happy and comfortably hyper sensitive, while watching the thin veil of mist saunter across the horizon in the distance and feeling happy to be alive. Contrary to my perceptions, I can't multitask well. It is either this or that. Being on my own, it seems is the only thing I can handle well.
Meanwhile, I am giving bifurcating what I write into the personal and the public stuff another try. Even though it is quite a lot less of pain to use just one place to blog, mixing the audiences does not work quite well. This time, hopefully, I should have a better idea of what I am trying to do and I am assuming that I'll have to start blogging in an official capacity in a while. So it would also serve as a sort of a training ground too. Head over and take a look, but only if you want to do away with the abstraction, whining and heart aches and replace it with straight talk on media, music and technology.