November 14, 2005

Meaningless

A fair bit of content on this blog has been dedicated to the thought that I hardly believe in anything anymore. In my short lifetime, I have been branded everything from cynical to jaded, to a rank pessimist in describing my approach to life and my thinking. And having spent a lot of my life turning away from things, important and unimportant, it is hardly surprising that at times I have a great deal of trouble trying to stay in touch with my sanity.

What is sanity actually? Beyond the poetic definitions of it being the reality, in effect, it is a set of constructs and belief systems that basically act as safety net for you every time your mental system lacks orientation and direction. It is a relative measure that qualifies your uniqueness, purpose (both routine and long term) and a sense of your own self that enables you to interact with the rest of the universe in a predictable manner.

It manifests in the real world in terms of relations, the values that they hand down to us and the subconscious mental connections that we make with them. In effect, we define the world through the values that are handed down to us and the connections that we assume as innate to ourselves. That way, the world is an amazing place, for we have built it entirely based on these loosely defined concepts and still we manage to function effectively.

But what if you don’t have these values and associations? That is when the fun starts and the world becomes a theater of abstract interpretation and logic. Since there is no absolute fixed point, the relative points you define afterwards are also in a state of constant flux. What might be absolutely necessary for you at point becomes absolutely unnecessary at another. It is madness and sanity smiling from the same face at the same time.

It also leaves you with a considerable amount of scope when it comes to imagination and innovation. At any given point in time, you can step into another’s shoes and see the world from their point of view with a moderately acceptable degree of accuracy. It is logic, but abstract too, since it is a form of role-play. It is role-play, yet it is real, since you are not really tied down by any major amount of innate beliefs or values to skew your observations by a disruptive degree.

Thus, depending on how you want to view it, the world can either be a beautiful place or a totally crappy place to live in then. Which is why even in my so-called pessimism, it takes a lot of optimism to face up to the world each day, every day. It is not a great deal of fun when you have to apply concepts which are close to mathematical models than emotional certainties to survive and sustain the self on a daily basis.

Till a while back, I used to harbor this great dream of being rescued, of being fished out of this conundrum. That someone would appear one day and make sense of all of this and lift my own heaviness from my shoulders. But somewhere I reached a point where I could no longer keep looking back at my lack of real meanings to define my present and my future. Somehow, I let go of that and I gave away all my virtual meanings.

It is a high risk strategy that leaves me with a make or break situation. If I happen to break there is nothing that can put me back together. In letting go of the past, I also threw away the key and the clues that can unlock the door to my mind. Somewhere I got really tired of keeping it all catalogued and well marked for someone to look over and figure it all out. Eventually, every story has the same ending and that is an ending which holds no significance for me.