October 24, 2005

Run

Considering that I have managed to seriously fuck up my stomach over the weekend, it would come as no surprise that I am having an indifferent start to the week. To add to my woes, in one quick swipe, a lot of the clarity that I gleaned over the past couple of months seems to have been replaced by a feeling of walking round and round in concentric circles. Somehow I had expected a pristine and complication-less version of my life to manifest itself, once I had decided to dump a lot of my earlier baggage and moved on. Instead, I ran into some of my age old issues, of being able to walk the fine line between being too free and too dependent, the realisation of which dawned rather unceremoniously late on me. I am sick of fighting these battles over and over again. Seriously, there should be some way out of this conundrum.

How do you really 'settle down' in life? Is there a single point or an event, like a bomb going off or your eardrums getting blocked, which signifies that fork in the road? I have thought about this countless times and I just cannot seem to find any answer for it. For me, life would be wonderful if I can live it the way I want to live it and if I could sneak someone else into that life, without any major changes. Of course, I do know that I am sounding like yet another inflexible moronic alpha male, but I don't need anyone permanent in my life to buy my groceries, wash my clothes or cook my food everyday. If I were to consider long term, what matters for more for me is the mind and I can't run around forever keeping myself lowest in my list of priorities. The only problem is that other than these odd moments, clarity is an elusive state for my ridiculously fucked up mind.

Looking at things from that point of view, I do have a problem. In fact, I have many problems, but this one is particularly bad. Emotionally, I tend to spread myself over a handful of people to meet my needs. At this point, it is irrelevant whether that is morally right or wrong, but one thing that is clear is that it is quite detrimental towards being in something stable/steady. I mean, hello, it is so clearly counterproductive. But to get to know different people is so intrinsic to my being that without it life would become even more dull and drab. It is all so very confusing, yet so very real too. So I need to be looking out for something where I'd have the freedom to do all of this and yet not have to try hard to be in it. Which begs the question, then why do you need something stable and steady at all in the first place? Welcome my dear friend to my crazy, mad world.

Strangely enough, what triggered off this long boring post was Rachel Kramer Bussel's latest column on her having stayed off sex for close to three months and the surprising revelations that it has led to. The interesting part is not that she has not had sex for a long time, but why she has not had it. There is neither a lack of (sexually) interesting people nor a lack of opportunities that has led to her dry run, but the longing for sex which is better than just good sex. In normal parlance this is called emotional involvement, where the entire act has dimensions beyond the physical and there lingers the promise of an interesting involvement, which might trickle on, effortlessly, in the bed and outside it, into the long-term. In an age where even married couples are some of the most lonely people on earth, is it wrong to stick it out for your concept of the (probably unrealistic) ideal?

Update: Haloscan seems to have conked off for some reason. My heartfelt apologies if your comment has disappeared. Thanks, Syl & WillO for the heads up.Update 2: With the work around noted here, it seems to be working now.