August 12, 2005

Postmortem

I do love it when the angelic, self-righteous voice in my head starts with a whisper, as the prelude to a multi-chorus crescendo, “turn it around, turn it around you stupid freak, this is about the best chance you are going to get to turn your life around.” Of course, all the other times it is the really sexy one with the dual pronged pointy ones who whispers sweet nothings like “fuck it, who gives a damn anyway, go ahead, life is nothing but one long fun ride, fuck it all right up and then wallow in things ranging from self-pity to self-adulation before another wave hits you.”

On a more positive note, I can beatmix pretty well now. I am working really hard to leave the crutches of the BPM counter and figure out the track speed only with my ear and I have a long way to go. I can’t quite get the measures and other technical mumbo jumbo right, which means even with an excellently beatmixed transition it can sound quite un-harmonic every now and then. Even then it was a pleasure to play back the mix that started up with a list like this: Deep Dish - Say Hello (Paul van Dyk mix), Mark Otten – So Serene (Original mix), Armin van Buuren – Shivers, Paul van Dyk feat. Wayne Jackson - The Other Side (Deep Dish Other than this Side Mix).

When the city is on fire, where do we head? Of course, for the hills my dear friend and that is where I am headed this weekend. It is a dreadful 340 kilometer drive that awaits me during the early hours of Saturday morning, but the place and two days of peace and quiet should be worth it. Last time I had tried something similar, with a much shorter drive to Ambala, the experience was quite not something to be remembered (at least the drive part of it) and hopefully, (touch wood, crossed fingers) this time the experience should be better, but I am not counting on it. Hell, I have not even packed for it and I’ve already gone past the deadline I’d set for myself.

The days since the long-planned parting have been something of a revelation. For one, I am taking it a lot better than what I thought I would. Then again, I am going nowhere with my plans for charting out a clear course, there are somewhat concrete ideas that can be seen along the road every now and then like dimly lit street lamps, otherwise there is just total darkness. And then there are the explanations, almost everyone asks for one, as to why it worked out this way. Whilst explaining it occurs to me that it all sounds so convoluted and unconvincing, leading me to fall back on “damn it, we wanted it to be over, are you happy now?” But I don’t say that. I just keep explaining, now I am not even sure of what the original line was.

Work is something of an enigma now, the more I try to fix it, the more it runs away from me and pops up behind a different hill as a totally new character. Once again I see the old specter of the execution lagging far behind the idea and there is the constant threat of insignificance hanging over my head like one of those heavy pieces of machinery that adorn the elevated stations that are being built for the Delhi Metro. I mean, we were supposed to have left all this behind and have started afresh. Is it just me or is the Indian technology/media workplace stuffed with people who sadly lack the imagination and purpose to create something that is done right and worthwhile to do after having spent so many years in the industry?