July 12, 2005


Six in the morning, listening to 'Days Go By' by Dirty Vegas and driving back home alone on rain drenched Delhi roads - you can't miss the poignancy of the setting, the splattering sounds that the rain makes on the windshield nor the growing sense of apprehension laced with a faint lining of optimism - it is the prelude to another chapter in my life. After a few more pages would flip by, a new one would begin, full of its own uncertainties, promises and struggles.

Thus begins my lonely battle, first for my sanity, then my life and the direction I should choose for it. Right now, I do not have much in my satchel by means of doled out sympathy, nor do I ask for any; for these have been my decisions, maybe not the best ever if you do not consider my own self-interests as the deciding factor, but I do stand by them and still believe in them. In the end, as it has always been, it has been me who has dragged myself from the depths. It will be the same this time too.

I wonder what do I dread more, the gaping voids that she will be leaving behind in my physical and emotional world after such a long time together or if is the places, like the noisy crowded pub, the walks in the crowded complex, that we have loved so much. Places are all about connections you make with mental pictures and people. There is a memory here, there and around every corner, there is an impulsive reaction for everything that I know or see. It is time now to speak to the shadows again.

That said, I don't have any regrets in it. We have always treaded the paths that we wanted to tread and for two very impulsive people, this is probably the most mature decision we would ever make in our lives. And the funniest thing is that it was not about love or romance, we had precious little of that between us; it was all about companionship. It is that feeling of absolute contentment, walking in a horribly crowded place for extended periods of time, with not a single word exchanged and still completely feel the presence of the other person that I will miss the most.

Where I go from here is an interesting question. There are a zillion things that I need to do and an equal number of friends and other people that I need to get back in touch with. You know, you take the calculated risk of disappearing when you know that what you have right then is very special and very short lived. I need to change a lot of things, including my room, and finally make a move on, but more than anything else I need a vacation. I have not had one of those, at least not a proper one, since 2002.

It is half past seven now and the rain has held off a bit, even while it continues to be deliciously overcast. In a little while the empty roads would have given way to angry, snarling, honking drivers and I would take my place among them, secure in the knowledge that if I can sport that rottweiler snarl I can get away with it and feel quite at home too. Time now to slip away into that state of being awake and asleep at the same time. Good morning and sweet dreams.