June 06, 2005


It is no secret that I have been harping here forever about my quest for extraordinariness. What, probably, is a secret is that often when I complain thus, it is mostly aimed at myself. Something on the lines of me getting out of myself and standing in a corner, pointing at my former abode, screaming "You are so pathetically ordinary!" It is just a reflection of my pet fear, already pretty uncomfortably and repetitively familiar to those who know me closely enough, that I will end up like one of the so many people I know in the industry, washed out and ineffective at 30, having married out of fear than choice, with nothing to look forward to in life than the regular tryst with the bottle and a major ailment that you had picked up along the way. All I hear is a voice that constantly harps "You need to do better!"

No, it is not like I was a model to be emulated in school, or college for that matter. I was never one to be riding atop waves of academic or extra curricular glory. Heck, I could never balance a chemical equation in school (still can't, even to save my life), nor could I figure out most of math or physics. It was not that I was totally dumb, I could be interested in the most weirdest of things and get caught up in taking stands just for the heck of it (like refusing to learn math because the evaluation scheme, which according to me, was not a measure of your grasp of the concept), but nothing brilliant or great was expected out of me. I was one of those guys who could do a bit, if they wished to, but never did anyway. So, I have no clue from where did I happen to grab hold of this overbearing expectation to do more.

All this would have been justified if I had a lot to back up this sudden upsurge in expectations. But, for all practical purposes, I am still pretty much the 'not-to-be-emulated' character. I can break things down logically to a great degree, but there is no real brilliance; I can copy it, I can fake it well. But there is not much by means of originality or being a path breaker in me. Even on a personal level I have more flaws than positives and of late it has been an uphill struggle, trying to work around these negatives. Of course, all this leads a huge gaping void between what can be done and what you want to get done. Thus there is this constant need to push the envelope, further and harder, in the hope that at least by the law of averages you should be able to do some of the stuff on that list.