April 08, 2005

That Odometer Feeling

One of the things that I am trying my best to take care of while trying to figure out to where should I move now is passion, which is one thing that is sorely lacking where I am now. I have become so firmly rooted into this system now that I can't even remember what used to be like earlier. I don' think that I have ever felt passionate about anything that I have done here. Mind you, it is not a problem with the place, this is the way it works best, but it is not really the best way for me. By nature, I am not primarily a number-driven person; it is something of a byproduct for me derived from doing something right, than doing only the right things that get you the numbers.

Moreover, it is tiring to play catch up when you are always brimming with ideas that does not make sense to anyone. There is such a lot going on in the world of technology and there is almost nothing I am able to do about it. It is really tiring to see so many ideas, some of which you yourself have tried pushing around, taking off at other places, only for everyone to wake up a year down the line, when the world+dog has already gotten over it, to push it out, half baked, as the 'next big thing.' Regardless, I am trying my best to take it as a learning experience and move on to something where I can make better use of my time and energy. Trouble is, I am yet to figure it out.

One of the main reasons why I have not been updating this blog as frequently as I would have liked to is because of a decision I have made to move everything else other than personal posts out of here. With that objective in mind, I have started a new blog here, where it will be much more impersonal and it would cover more topics, leaving me free to ramble on here with my good old mumbling. Over time, I have come to realise that it is not a good idea to mix both personal and the other stuff. The people who come here for the personal stuff end up wondering, "what is wrong with this guy?" when they read stuff on technology and the people who come here for technology end up thinking, "God, there he goes again!"

These days, most of the times, I feel almost as if I am a ticking time bomb. I can't really conform to any order for more than a certain period of time and I have overrun that limit God knows how long back. But, due to reasons personal and professional, my hands are tied for the next couple of months and I wonder how long I can keep going like this. Even with the near-perfect time that I have had over the past 12 months, there is this aspect of dissatisfaction and the urge to do a lot of new things or redo what is already there. To express it in a very abstract way, I have not felt 'alive' in a while and I feel like an odometer at times, ticking over in the same way, over and over again, endlessly.