April 19, 2005

Indifferent

Where things can't get any better, they only end up getting even worse. After two years of putting up with my torture, my machine at home gave up on me about a month back. Normally, it would not take much more than a hard disk change or a motherboard change to get things going again, but I was stuck in those dreadful situations where it was a combination of things that had gone wrong. Now, after a considerable amount of money down the drain and an all but brand new machine, save the SMPS, CD drive, CPU and the case, it goes for a toss again. More money flows, bringing in a new CPU and RAM to replace the flaky module that was causing the machine stop errors. For the fear of anything else (there can't be anything left?) going wrong, I won't tempt fate and my temperamental machine and say it is all sort of stable now.

Of course, the fun does not quite end there. To pack more to the present's pugnacious punch, I have been been in the esteemed company of a bad case of chest infection, cold and mild fever since the middle of last week. Most of the time these days, I keep wondering what do I feel, if I do feel anything at all. I mean, there are almost two stories to my side these days. On one side, there is the lot of feelings and things that I am supposed to feel that I am not too sure if I feel at all. On the other side there are these feelings which I don't allow myself to feel. Lost somewhere in the midst of all of this is the real me. Sounds confusing? I can so understand it. I feel the same way too. Maybe it is just the medicines. You know, Benadryl rocks. Maybe it is just the delirium. Well, that rocks too, just for the record.

Over the weekend, I was asking myself about what I had become over the years. Had I become more cynical, enthusiastic, understanding, indifferent or anything else at all? For that matter, I even asked myself if I even had a plan that I was working towards, maybe even someone that I wanted to become? And not for the first time in the recent past, I had no answer for any of the question. I just felt way too tired, almost caving under the weight of my lone plan of action of 'doing-whatever-it-takes-to-get-stuff-done.' This is a far cry from maybe eight to ten years back. Now, I do not want to change anything or make any contribution. I am glad if the world just about lets me exist. I have become way too jaded and these days I have a loud, screaming "Do Not Disturb" sign hanging over my head. Don't knock, don't enter.