When September turned itself over on the calendar this year, it marked the celebrationless passing of a minor milestone in my life. It was in the same month in 1999 that I came do Delhi, uncertain and dejected, to start a life that I had not really wanted, after the one that I wanted failed to materialise. The first few years were tough. I was scared, there was never enough money and the good times were hard to find, while hardship lost no time in being a constant companion.
Choices are easy when you do not have many to pick from and once the real hard years had passed I lost that luxury too. In the past year and a half, I have had to teach myself to decide and pick what works for me. Without the luxury of constraints to hide behind, it has been a steep learning curve that I have been on. I do not know where it will lead me. On one hand there is the joy of learning something new, while, on the other, there is the fear of age and time slipping away from me.
The past year has been almost a case of life coming full circle for me. After being inconsolable and desolate, around the same time last year, this time around I feel complete, contented, at peace with myself and happy in the companionship I discovered when I was least expecting it. In some ways I do feel that I have completed my life. I have given all that I ever had to give. Even with its uncertain future, I am happy about the state of affairs and I feel like I have finally lived.
Speaking about timelines, this blog too has passed a little milestone of its own. Three years is a long time, even after factoring in the countless mini-breaks and the numerous times I have wanted to close it down, for this monotonic diatribe to have gone on for. Now, when most of us who were a part of the handful of the early Indian bloggers have either quit or have, like me, more or less stopped writing, I have a decision to make and it is not whether to keep going or not.
Most of the regulars here (yes, there are a handful of them!), know who I am, where I am, what I do and so on. The anonymity that I get from my 'nick' serves no great purpose, especially since I am not one of those people who are either rich, good looking, powerful or opinionated enough to warrant if at all any unwanted attention. The intent, I guess, is to write here on more topics and maybe give it a bit more of credibility with a higher degree of openness.
All of which depends on me managing my time better. Before the year is over I would have turned 26 and in another year I would have to come up with the first ever long term plan in my life. Whatever that maybe, I would still need to give the long list of things that I am doing now a fair enough shot before I can either keep or discard them. Five years is a long time to me to have stayed in one place and there is a lot I need to think about and sort out before the sixth is over.
For now, the only thing I am bothered about is the glorious sunshine filtering into the room through the corner window. It is late afternoon on a beautiful winter day and all that I feel like taking is a walk in the old fort by the golf course.
November 10, 2004
I have not been writing for I fear that the staleness of my mind would reflect splendidly in the words that I can come up with. With passage of time, the only destination of inevitability draws even closer. It resembles an ever-darkening shadow lingering over each and every thought in an already lightless world that has little in common with the environment that surrounds it. I feel precariously naked, stripped of any convictions or beliefs and shivering like a weakened twig burdened by the weight of its own unrealistic expectations.