April 01, 2004

Want

I have to admit that the recent past has indeed been a curious passage of time. Not that I had not noticed it earlier too, but I myself am not too sure of what the program or the endgame is. That being the case, I have to stop every now and then to take an unbiased look at what had happened. These are only little scattered dots that I am trying to join. I have no definite idea of what the final picture would be like. It feels so much like looking out of the train's window as it runs deeper into the embrace of the pitch darkness ahead.

I guess it is time I gave all these silly metaphors some rest and try and speak like normal people do. For a long time I have wanted to step out of the trap of living every aspect of my life as a statement. I have also wanted to listen to what I was hearing without reflexively slotting it into some great theory. The toughest want to crack though, is still the giving up bit. I am still prone to ego-charged episodes of wanting to salvage something where there is nothing left, that is worth anything, to salvage.

And it is not like there are no problems anymore. They are still very much there. I guess they would be there forever and we have managed to work out something of a tentative time-share arrangement. I still cannot figure out most people, the things they believe in and so on. Being the perpetual misfit that I am, I certainly do not understand where I fit into all of this. There will always be people whom I have failed and vice versa too. That is the risk in living and given a choice I would always risk the hurt and live.

At times, it feels very awkward and extremely vulnerable. It feels like walking on a tightrope without the safety harness. Nevertheless, it feels extremely nice not to have an agenda to stick to all the time and to feel like a silly paper boat tossed and thrown about in the drain. To answer your questions, it is not love. It is beyond it and for the first time in my life I feel that I am living by my choice than by chance and the best bit is that I do not have any apologies to make about it.