March 22, 2004

Outcome

"You have changed a lot", she told me just moments before we went our separate ways. That was how our first meeting in over 18 months ended, with my impromptu hug eliciting that semi-astonished response. If it was a while back in time, I would have still been lost in analysing and dissecting that moment and the previous moments that led to it. I guess I am learning, finally, to stop thinking about living and actually do the living. I know it must sound quite abnormal, but that was precisely what I used to do.

In trying to deal with all the bitterness and the pain of times past, what often gets lost is the grip that we have on the present. Miracles can happen only if you believe in it and want it too. In a lot of ways, life too is a miracle, if you do not believe in it and if you do not want it to happen, it just will not. If you put in an effort to start every day, for whatever reasons, the simple fact is that you did want it. That being the case, the rest of the details are peripheral. What matters more is to make it as good as it is possible.

I know I must be sounding like one of those new-age living experts. But my reasoning is not based on the karmic cycle or the importance of chi, it is based on just one simple question: Do I want to feel the same way when I am 35 someday? It is not as if life is pretty easy otherwise. It is so much of an effort most times and the last thing I want is more self-created and unwanted complications that serve no end at all. Prolonged conversations with sadness tire me now; I can certainly live without more of those.

Which is why I had said earlier that in any case there is only so little we can do anyway. Give things a shot, maybe two, even three more. Beyond that there is no point in trying. Once the moment is past, even the your best thrown at it won't stand a chance of sticking and in spite of your best attempts, you cannot ever win them all. Giving up is never easy, when the time comes for it, it will extract its certain price for sure, so you have to love the best, what you love the most, when you have the chance.

I'm flying because I have stopped fearing the eventual fall. I am letting my heart lead the way even when I know the possible and probable outcomes. But I honestly believe in living not to regret tomorrow that maybe I had left something unsaid, maybe I had left a face untouched, maybe there was something more I could have done and maybe there was an another valley that I could have flown over. And for that I am way much happier than I have been in a long long while. I probably don't say that often enough.

There, of course, is the constant companionship of lack of resolution in many an issue. But what can one do about them? Resolution, eventually, depends on all the people involved wishing precisely that and if all that is doing is to drag you down along with it, it is just not worth it. Life, yours or mine, deserves more than that and it is nothing but hard work that will deliver that. Life should seriously amount to more than feeling guilty about being happy just because of other people's sadness and it was about time I realised that.

At the end of the day, it is a given that the sources of happiness will always be fewer than the ones for sadness. Those numbers alone would dictate that it is not worth living a life, even at age 110, to remember only the sad things. Hindsight being the bitch that she is, there will always be things that could have been done better. Eventually it all boils down to doing the best you can, at a given point in time, the rest is just a mystery, maybe it will work next time, maybe it won't. To try is about all what you can do.