March 24, 2004

Imperfection

The fragility of life never ceases to amaze me. Pull a string here, another there and the whole fabric falls apart. The entire structure in itself is in many ways an illusion in itself. What means a lot to me might mean nothing to you and vice versa too. My fabric is an elaborate tapestry of delusions; Delusions of independence, isolation, fairness and unconditional reliability. Can we have some goddamn simplicity in the house please?

You know, my worst nightmare is to drown to my death. It is so scary that I often feel like hitting my hairdresser in his face when he washes my hair before he cuts it. Sometimes I feel the same about trusting anyone. I can go to great lengths to do things for people who mean anything or everything to me, but I hardly let anyone in. For a long time I thought it was just a phase, with time it would all change, especially considering the way I have grown up. But of late it has been giving me the 'hairdresser feeling' and it is not funny.

Trust in itself, though, is a funny thing. Some are only too willing to give it away for the least important of things, while others give it away after a lot of careful thought and consideration. What bothers me is that I just cannot seem to give it away, even when I would want to. Have you ever screamed at yourself, "lose the grip on yourself"? I can hear myself screaming that to myself and there is nothing I can do about it. At least it seems to be that way.

What bothers me most is not even that, but that in the process I end up hurting people close to me who mean no harm to me. They want to do something, anything, in return for the 'oh-so-grand-and-unconditional-support' that I provide them and there is seemingly zilch that they can do. It has happened once, twice and time and again when I have had one person or the other failing to touch me in the way they would want and take it as some kind of shortcoming about themselves. How do you explain it to them that it has nothing to do with them, it is all about you, and not sound condescending too?

Sometimes I wish it were all so simple. Simple enough to love people who matter to you without having to care about give and takes and silly measures that quantify the most insignificant of things. However, I do see the unfairness of the whole situation. I do not think I would want to be on the receiving end of what I dole out and find out that there is nothing I can give in return. Regardless, you have to take your pick, nah? Still, so much time is spent on trying to rock the boat, in trying to understand and comprehend. At the end of the day why would you want to understand imperfection anyway?