December 29, 2003

Very very long

After a few hours of agitation it all settles down. As much as it can disturb you, the good thing is, it also tires you down. You no longer have the strength to be enraged, upset or even remember what is it that started all of it. Whoever that said "there is a good side to everything", is right in the most ironic of ways. The key to peaceful sleep is a prolonged and intense state of agitation.

What I realise is that I need a slight course correction, maybe I have already effected it. I might not know the destination, but I need to know what waters to avoid. Even if the journey's end in itself is not certain, there is no point in paying homage to that by crashing at the nearest available rock. It is thus forcing me take an honest look at my own life, what goes into it and what comes out of it. Accountability, be it just to myself even?

I am getting a bit too old in life to keep saying over and over again that something went wrong because I did not know or I did not account for it. The truth is, most of the times I do know, it is only that I do not want to accept what is there. Somehow, it feels good to be responsible for every wrong thing out there, the martyrdom phenomenon. As if what is already there is not hard enough to deal with in the first place.

The hardest thing then is to is to lay your life out like a map, because its only topography are people and memories, and study it in detail. Some turn out to be mirages, some turn out to be gold after looking for a lifetime like rock and some just do not make any impression at all. But it is never all of just one of them. And if it is a map, you better know what you are trying to describe with it.

Sans verbal decoys, what I think I am trying to say is that I want to avoid feeling like what I have been for the past two weeks. It has not been like that without reason, but the intensity is multiplied due to my own stupidities. The principle being, something concrete/positive has to come out of it and with this there is nothing but heartburn. This makes no difference to anyone than maybe my own longevity.

Memories, when allowed to linger on are like ghosts of a time long-dead. They only serve to disturb you and make you see apparitions where they do not exist in the first place. You have to move on. Everyone does. If you do not, you become to the only one to stay behind, conversing, giving and expecting with things that are not there anymore, or anything that looks similar. If you let five minutes hold the rest of your life hostage, there are no prizes for guessing who is the loser.

Since 1999 my life has been one huge adventure, one that started off from trying to not be scared of a huge, alien city which was thousands of miles away from anything familiar to me. From there I have come a long way. Life is far from perfect now, in fact I often wonder what is the point in being so much on my own based on some principle which I cannot name or describe. Why should I not take a lesser pill and settle down for something comforting, something more certain?

You know, there are times when I wonder if I have run so far ahead, in search of a destiny that I have no clue of, that I cannot spot even a single familiar thing for miles around. I can be scared of not knowing where I am, whom to turn to or even be certain whom can I trust to be there or whom I cannot. But that is not an option, I have come way too far to ever be able to retrace my steps.

Once, trying explain something very difficult I told my parents, "There is no point in giving someone size 4 shoes when you can now only wear size 8". There are certain things in life which hold value only at a particular point in time, beyond that it is of no use to anyone. Emotional dismemberment happens in the same way, unless treated in the relevant time, it just falls away, no amount of crying brings it back.

I think I finally realise what is the thing that is the most fraudulent in me. It is that I bring upon me troubles that belong to others so I can conveniently look away from my truckloads of baggage. However noble it might be, in the end it is just an excuse and if you are looking for one, there are always millions available. If causing hurt is all what stands between me and setting something in my life right, well, what can I say about it.

What you need to understand is that there is never charity on earth, there is always a purpose to anything, there is a purpose to commonplace charity too. A leaf does not stir for no good reason, no one takes a step or stay unmoved without a reason. And you would not be reading this for no reason. Baseness or the nobility of intentions is a totally different thing, it is not for me to bother about.

I know I will continue making mistakes, it is a given, but I need to understand that I need better reasons than "I have no idea" as the reasons why I made those. If what is around me won't ask or listen, it is up to me to find something else that would. Being stuck never improves anything, does not give improvement itself a fair enough chance. Holding back out of respect is one thing, being held hostage is something totally different and there is no worse crime than to mix the two.

Still, I do wonder about how it is to be otherwise at times. To have a degree of certainty in most things about you, how does it feel, how does it work and why I cannot do the same. And I wonder at times how in the world did I get here? The funny thing is I do know, I have made cottage industry of being distrustful of everything and in my own way I guess I am only trying to disentangle my own muddled knots.