December 13, 2003

Defeat

It is strange when all you have for expressing yourself are just a few blocks of plastic with a character each printed on them. Anger, love, sadness, frustration, you can name each and every emotion these plastic blocks can cough up. And in real? There is nothing, nothing but a choking silence, few words of comfort and more for making a graceful exit from the scene. It is not your turn, it is never your turn. Listen, always listen, but never speak, you are not allowed to speak.

All the extravagant statements come to naught. Words are precisely what they are, something that endless clattering of a set of plastic blocks produce. In action all of them point to the same thing. Which is nothing. They are empty, like the emotions they signify, just empty containers. You can be wrong most times, you can be wrong some times, but can you be wrong all the time? Does silence automatically imply you have nothing to say? Maybe it does, after all I am not saying much here.

I am tired of metaphors, of veiled writing and I am tired of a million other things that I do not even want to start with. Is understanding so hard? Or is understanding purely a work of fiction in the mind of the beholder? The thing that I am most tired of? It is nothing fancy, it is something as simple as telling myself time and over again that it is okay, just let it be. Even without saying anything you do deserve a chance right? Who am I trying to kid here? Wake up stupid fool.

I feel worn and tired most times, just want to get off the busy road and sit and wither away on the pavement. It is not like I am not trying. I am now a well behaved individual, I have cut down on my quixotic outings, though the prospect of getting fatally maimed on one of those windmills is always enticing. But I just do not have the strength anymore, but how much more do I cut down? Will I be pushed to the level where the only way to survive would be to be a living corpse?

But that is not the hardest thing. The hardest thing is to save yourself from pressing that button which says "self-destruct". It is not impossible to shred everything that you value around you to bits in just a few moments. It is so ridiculously easy. But remember, I am trying to save energy here. And it solves nothing, it costs me the most, you get the drill? You cannot win here, you can only lose, the only options are between various forms of losing. Shall we play eh? A round, just a round, please?