November 09, 2003

Thaw

The seasons of change are falling upon me again. Things won't be the same again after this. It is like the cycle of life, only that this one is a minor cycle within a larger one. Where a set of people, colours, words and memories are dated, labelled and put in their respective boxes of remembrances. In my rare moments away from a lifetime spent on shamefully self indulgent thoughts, I prepare my new arms, resolute in my desire to not make the old mistakes again and get ready to welcome the new.

I must trudge on, I should not be slowed down by the maze of cobwebs which are nothing but the thoughts and memories that trip me. I must not let my lack of purpose, nor the lack of understanding defeat myself. If it is in five seconds of flickering that all the light I have in myself is spent, then I shall yearn to flicker the brightest I can. You might not see it, I might not see it, but the sheer darkness in which I reside does. And it is this darkness that I walk alone even as I light up your way.

I can't wait any longer for the answers, I cannot afford to be disheartened by their unwillingness to acknowledge their own existence. I have put in way too much effort into making an ordinary life to disown it for the lack of extraordinary answers. It is my little house or cards in which I live by myself, I have to learn to love it, for this is the only home that I have ever known. I want no recognition, I want no badge of honour, nor am I too sure if I want love anymore. But I just do not know what I want.

At the risk of making the prose more dreary than what it already is, I can even venture to say I have even come to feign bitterness, I feel old at times, there is just no fight left anymore. Making me feel like the old warrior who is left alive out of pity in the war field, depriving him of the only thing that is rightfully his - a glorious death. But then, there are no wars these days, only miles of endless traffic and polite conversations. This is just a tapestry of music woven in words unheard and feelings never felt, feelings that never die.