November 09, 2003

Hindsight

With another day slowly winding down and with time gently slipping away from me, I sit down, think and wonder, again, what would I like to be remembered as. And the answer has not changed from the last time I had asked myself. I would not want to be remembered at all. Even though death is not something that I look forward to nor am I suicidal in the least, I would be happy when it finally happens. It would mean the end of such a long sentence for me. It would finally be over.

For all my protestations, I know only too well that I am the one who makes my own life the most difficult thing on earth. I have gotten very few things in life right, I do not even think I have made a difference anywhere, most I have done is to just about contain the damage, from my actions, to myself and to others. But I cannot help it, that is the way I am, I have gone too far to ever change from all that. This is my path, be it lonely, it is just mine to walk and walk it I shall.

Two days of time off work has finally given me the time to lay back and take stock, to what it all amounts to. Other than for the selfish takes, there is nothing of any reasonable degree of sincerity within me. The flurry of posts only reflect a part of the chaos. I have made the best of whatever little that was given to me and it amounts to nothing. That is minus all the bravado and the fancy words you see here. I find myself totally clueless as to where I take this all now.

All this gets even more hypocritical and awesomely funny when I ask people near me to take care of themselves and to go easy. Soapboxes of the world unite, you only have my grand mindblowingly boring speeches to look forward to. For a long while I thought, as I ran from one destination to another, that this was a time-limited aberration. But it is not and that realisation is slowly dawning on me. Suddenly all the glamour vanishes, the walls close up and the sentence drags on.