July 27, 2003


Why is balance so much of an elusive commodity? After all, what is balance if it is not an act of falling offset by another of the same in a different direction. Since falling comes quite naturally to me, it should ideally not be a big deal. But it is never there, everything is always a bit below the mark or a few inches above. There is either too little emotion or too much of it, too much of dishonesty or too little of honesty. Twenty four years I have run from one end of the seesaw to the other and whatever is left in years for me to spend, looks like will be consumed by the same.

Purpose suffers from the same affliction. There is either too much of it, when things are measured to the last ounce and doled out in requisite quantities for the desired result or there is just too little of it when consequences dreamt of or not suddenly stare you in your face, to be met with the reaction "Where the hell did that come from?". I have seriously been wondering if I should carry a label of "Hazardous Material, Stay Clear" on myself since it does not seem quite possible that I can manage that by myself all the time. Should remember to add the skull and crossbones too.

Kaleidoscope is the object that comes first to my mind when I think of perspective. The same people, the same surroundings, the same relationships. Another blink, another twist of the tube and everything changes all over again. The pieces take almost a sadistic joy in running around, forcing you to change whatever you thought about them till then. Even if you do not want them to move around, they inevitably would end up doing precisely that, you can either choose to swallow your rage and pride and accept it or fight it in vain. Maybe they do not move at all and it is just me?

Your own shortcomings are some of the hardest things to accept in life. Some of them are relative, like not being beautiful or handsome enough, not being intelligent or smart enough or even being not rich enough to get most of the material things that you want in life. And then there are absolute ones, especially ones that fall in the region of the emotional, where the damage is so severe that amputation is the only recourse when even "There must be something that can be done" fails. Then all you wish for is to tell others how beautiful their relative imperfection is compared to your absolute one.