July 02, 2003

At Four

A while back when I was a much greater mess than what I am now, it somehow got into my head that maybe I should adopt a little girl so that I could lover her with all my heart and never have to let go. It was a pretty serious bit of thought, I had even set a deadline, by which if I still was as aimless in life, I would go ahead and actually do it.

I would never know if it would have worked out at all, since authorities here make adoption next to impossible for even married couples, so you can imagine what kind of luck a bachelor might have had. Practical difficulties apart, the idea was stupid, since I was seeing it as a way out of my problems, my loneliness. I love kids and get along famously with them, but to adopt one is totally different issue, it is not like owning a pet, it is another life, I could not play around with it just on a whim.

The aimlessness is still there, but I am getting used to it. There will most probably be never that one single purpose to chase after, there would never be that singular moment of absolute meaning and sense when I would be bestowed with a golden halo hovering above my head. All I have are moments of ordinariness, strung together by patches of time that are even less ordinary.

Most of the times, life dissected into little periods appear to be nothing more than little games you play with yourself, something to entertain yourself as you do your time here. The familiarity becomes so overwhelming that it becomes almost possible to predict the next deja vu. Then the predictions start to become a game in themselves. The sole purpose gets restricted to keeping score.

A friend once asked me if I would write a book on her. I love her and hate her for what she is, for what keeps her alive also kills her at the same time and I know that feeling only too well. I said no to her, mostly because a book is really biting something more than I can chew and more importantly I did not know her well enough either.

For that matter, does anyone know anything or anyone well enough? I myself have changed so much in the recent past that I would be lying through my teeth if I told you I knew what I was all about. Can that be a criterion in caring for someone? I do not know. All I know is that I just hope everyone takes care of themselves, even if does not make for a spectacular spectacle.