June 24, 2003

Inert

The seasons are changing again. They come and go like birds that flock from one tree to another. I am familiar with some of them, their hues and shades and their temperament and then there those that I do not know of. Like yesterday morning when there was a thin veil of fog towards the end of the road, or was I just imagining it?

I am really tried of all of this shit. Been spending so much of time these days on the fringes of sanity and what is funny is that it is not amusing anymore. I do not want to be the one on guard constantly. But it cannot happen in any other way, this is the way it is meant to be, but for what? Why? I have no idea.

I am tired of finding explanations, rational interpretations, neatly labelling everything that happens into perfect little containers. I want to let go, even if it is for just a while. But to let go you need to trust and I just do not trust enough, anyone or anything. I know what I want, but I know I can't have it.

Have been experiencing a gradual sense of detachment from everything of late. I feel like disowning my own words for the feeling that I do not mean them or do not care enough to mean them at all. Everything is so conditional, I can't just be myself, that brings us to the question: Who am I?

Frankly, I have no idea. I just wish I knew, like so many other things, but right now I am backtracking so much that it is not inconceivable that even language might slither from my grasp. I am way too lost in fighting my own self. I am my own worst enemy.