May 07, 2003


You know, just living can be so frustrating at times. As one grows older, the ideal is cut down in size, stage by stage, year by year and even then it easily slips away from the grasp like a bolt with a faulty thread. It will slip at the last turn, irrespective of the number of times you have tried or the effort you put into it. Even when you sacrifice the personal for something much larger, or sacrifice the larger for the personal, there is only so much one can do. What can you do in a situation where the absence of perfect knowledge is a constant that is forcing you back to the drawing board time and again, each time with another set of plans to achieve a qualitatively better level of failure?

The only joy exists in the miniscule improvement in the quality of the failure. That too is annihilated by the effort that goes into getting back to the drawing board all over again. Wish I had known better, wish I could act better, wish I had a perspective that would measure up to at least a fraction of what I want to get done. How does a bigger picture emerge when what you can achieve is microscopic at the best? How do you decide what is right for another person, when you do not know at the best of times what is right for yourself? One has to be extremely delusional to think something like that does not happen and this hypocrisy is what kills me the most. Like I said, all you have are qualitatively better failures and like they say, you live and die by the same sword.