May 04, 2003

Meme Deconstructed

From "Constantly Evolving" in late 2000 to the "Perfect Imbalance" of today, this inconsequential journal has come a long way. In the process it has transgressed many a false termination notice, stages of extreme confusion, depression or a deadly combination of both and the odd brush with elegant-sounding yet hollow entries and a few mindlessly boring flame wars. Still, if there is something that I know for sure, it is that I will keep this going as long as I can help it, because I have to admit, a journal cannot get any more monotonous than what this is right now.

The funny thing with me is that I do all the right things for the wrong reasons and vice versa. At least, most of what I do (anticipatory bail spotted - Ed) end up that way. For a dummy site that was need to test an XML-RPC client, this journal somewhere along the way underwent a very pleasant and surprising transformation into a very satisfying exercise in communication. It has also been an enormous learning experience as far as divulging personal information is concerned.

The singular tone and nature of this journal is mostly by purpose and in part due to a genuine lack of ability to add by means of value to the ever-swelling ranks of excellent blogs that are analytical in nature or ones that act as gateways to interesting links and hard to find information. Whenever I have tried to digress from the only the thing I can write reasonably authoritatively about - me and the things that surround it- it inevitably ended as a damp squib. The funny thing though is that, I am quite happy with what this journal is today and the twenty or so odd people that keep coming back regularly.

Since this journal is a very personal affair, I do not ever want it to be one of those that receive page views in the thousands on a daily basis. Honestly, I would not want to justify or defend what I write to all and sundry. I am very happy to banter with the regular visitors, but that communication is just a bonus. If people feel at least a fraction of what I am writing about, in the way I meant it, it is a definite plus' but the primary objective is to always vent, to press the flush button in the cesspool called as the mind. "This is not a democracy" said the character played by Matthew McConaughey in the movie U-571 and my life certainly ain't one either. I love the hints that I get towards the way I am headed, but I will be the one who always picks the route.

It was not without a significant amount of effort and frustration that the level of what I am allowed to reveal on a private journal was discovered. It works both in the professional and personal sphere of things and it is one of the reasons why I avoid writing much on Indian media, since I am very much a part of it. I consider that my own view and perception of media and the way it all pans out as too limited and backed by too little experience, to claim anything other than a miniscule vision of it. You see, it is one thing (and rather easy) to get worked up and write a critique over an incident that I happened to be part of on the job and quite another to see it in a wider perspective.

On the personal front, what I did divulge had in a few instances led to almost shutting down this journal. It is very difficult to draw the line when you describe things that are personal. Even when you are quite okay about what you can write about yourself, it is an iffy thing to decide where the okay line lies when it comes to describing things that happened, since it involves other people too and how does one write about it without their consent? That is the reason why most of the recent entries that I have made are mostly about the effect with the cause missing.

I know I could get so many other tools like trackbacks and pinging implemented on this journal. But, somehow or the other I am quite wary of getting more visitors and I certainly do not believe in the community thingie when i do not write about things Indian nor do I blog because I am an Indian. I am just an Indian who happens to blog. The only thing I'd ever want to be identified with is that I'd never wanted to be identified with anything. Other than that I am pretty much flattered and amused too to a certain degree to know that anyone would want to read the same handful of things that I keep going on and on about. But, I certainly ain't complaining!