April 14, 2003

Ordinary Miracles

These days, everyday I seem to be wondering how long this miracle will last. I feel so much at peace, even over a mountain of uncertainty and aimlessness. This calm is exquisite and I do not want it to go. Every day I wake up expecting it to go away, strangely, it has not yet. And It is not as if I have hit a jackpot or I have found something or someone to believe in finally. I am just engaging life to the best of my ability, especially since I cannot do much about the things that life decides to throw at me. If it rains I would have to carry an umbrella, the logic is as simple as that. Extend it a bit more and I get if you ain't dead yet, you are very much alive. So, stop pretending to be dead. Even with nothing to do, there is so much to be done.

It is quite amusing to see how much of what we seek is what we manage to miss most in what we have. There is always an element of unknown in what you take quite regularly for granted, take a closer look and a whole new world reveals itself. I have this strange habit of looking at my hand every now and then to see how well do I know it. Yes, I do know that it has five fingers on it, skin bone and some webbing, but I cannot possibly know all the patterns on it by heart. A second look and the whole contraption starts to look alien, maybe even handsome or ugly. I find doing the same with people too. it is amusing to take a look at people whom I take for granted with a different eye and then I realise at times how little I know them or how much of what they are is not actually what they are, but what I think they are. Pretty convenient, right?

Not much has changed though and the greatest miracle is that there is actually no miracle. It is the same old world, the same old people, the same old struggles. What has changed is that I do not expect to find solutions for everything. The old Mister Fixer cannot be quite killed totally, but a subtle change in perception has led to the acceptance of failures. There is only so much one can do. beyond that anything, be it whining, anger or frustration, does not result in anything other than horrible problems with your blood pressure and nothing else. For once I am comfortable with having to do things at terms that are not my own, once in a while and that I will let people down. My micro-miniscule existence on this earth does not have to be a statement, it is just one of the so many odds and ends that is part of this unimaginably huge game, nothing more.

But what I am most thankful for is a whole load of bitterness that seems to have drained away. I just do not have any clue how it happened, since it came after one of the most torrid and confusing periods in my life. I had a choice then to submit, lay down my arms or to run elsewhere as I have always done just because I could not face up to my own shortcomings or to stand up again and rebuild things knowing that I would falter a lot, since my weaknesses vastly outnumber my strengths. Since I had tried the first two, I had to give the last one a chance and to be honest I did not think it would come off. All I wanted to do was to survive and really was driven by blind hope than by reason.

It worked and for reasons that I have not much clue about. But the lesson was that, when something good happens to you do not ask why, just take it, make the best of it and try to keep smiling, because there are millions of others who do not have the same chance you have had. What about the bad ones, especially the Merc SLK that I have not had the fortune to own yet? Well, it is sad that it has not happened. Maybe if I work hard enough for half a decade I might be able to buy one. But my priorities lie elsewhere right now and I have more fun now living on my own and accounting for the miniscule overheads involved in maintaining a puny motorcycle. So the Merc can wait and I am sure it won't kill me for a while yet to not have one.

Funnily enough, I am not a nicer person to know as a result. I do not quite suck up to anyone anymore and that can have a very negative impact on relationships that survive on the lifeline of constant reaffirmation. It has made me a nastier person, but maybe a more wannabe honest one at that and that is quite okay a deal for me since I do believe that if reaffirmation is the only thing that keeps it alive, then it does not have any place being there in the first place. To conclude, I should remember to stop making lousy statements about pausing or not going to write anymore, because I end up doing the exact opposite of that within 24 hours. Cry wolf, cry wolf. And for a person who is very dear to me and feeling pretty lousy since the past two days, I hope that things get sorted out soon for you and you know who you are :)