March 28, 2003

Late Afternoon

I have lived most of my life based on things that I wanted to be or things or that I wanted to have. It is not really about being a doctor or an engineer, it is more about being with the kind of people whom you want to be with and expecting the emotional support and care that you yearn for. It ranged from feeling terribly jealous, as a child and as an adult, of friends who had supportive parents to looking at couples who, even with their imperfections and incompatibilities, used to make me feel a certain hollowness within myself. Somehow, life had always meant for me a trip where I am always the last one to leave and the one to look away or to keep quiet when something that I wanted but could not have passed right in front of me. It sounds quite noble, but it is not quite that.

All of it used to leave me in a very bad position, for no matter how much one tends to delude oneself there is really not much in this world that is unconditional and even when I would have liked to believe that I did not expect, I did, and feel bitter about it deep within me. So, gradually I had reached a point, where everything was defined by what I could not have, where the worth of anyone in my life was measured by the degree they failed me than by the degree they made a difference in my life. And then I began to notice, that I just had the same old stories of struggle, the same old stories of how I had to do something just because I wanted to avoid something or someone else. In short, I am a marvellous enterprise whose sole principle of operation is escapism.

Close friends tell me I have changed in the past couple of months. Some have noticed the change, some have not. Of the few who have noticed it even ended up asking me where had all my compassion vanished. In the days I had spent away from here on my vacation, I noticed a very significant detail. That the world around me would survive, even prosper in some cases, even if I am not there. Everyone had something to call their own, an idea, an aim or even someone to live after. Strangely, I had none. A simple, but significant omission. And I realised that I had to respect, first myself for my life to be worth anything, then others for what they are than a charitable display of what they cannot have.

Now it is different. There is now no bitterness that I cannot spend more time with someone that I like to spend time with, for it is not possible for me to spare a significant amount of time and effort over anyone that way. And I do not mean it in a bad way, it is just a fact that I love spending time with myself, not all the time, but a significant amount of time that I have. That being the case, almost everyone suffocates me for space after a certain limit. It is not that I have stopped caring, I still do, maybe even a lot more than what I used to before. But, the sad fact of life is that the best you can do is to live your own life to the best of your ability, you really cannot live another person's life. Do the best you can do for another person and hope for the best and I guess I know where I stand even though I am sure it sounds a lot like "I really don't give a damn about you".

Other than that there is a sense of calm for me that has come after a long long time. Even if it is sounds like sophistry I really am comfortable finally with most things in life. I know where my limitations are and also about how lucky I am to be where I am today. So, I have the choice to look behind and say it all is so miserable and gloat in a pall of gloom or to feel scared by the totally alien surroundings and the unknown. Or I can say, "What the hell" let us make the best out this and move on. I honestly have no idea about where all this would lead or what all this means, but I really do not like to stick on to a single approach if it does not sort things out for me after a while, life is really too short for that.

All the fancy crap apart, I must grab some sleep now. Just watched You've got mail for the nth time just a while back. I am such a sucker for mush, especially when it is delivered by Meg Ryan. But no, I did not like City of Angles. Nick Cage looked totally out of place as an angel. As if I have seen angels. Hah!