February 12, 2003

Thank You

There are two sentences that I always use to egg my friends on. One is that life is unfair, so keep your chin up and get on with it and the other is you do not always get what you want, it is sad, but that is the way things are. These friends are not ordinary people for me, they are my life, they are the ones who make me the person that I am. And today for them I stand utterly defeated in front of the same two lines. I have been totally robbed of any answers and I am wallowing in my helplessness.

It is nothing short of the worst form of punishment to see the people whom you love and care for suffer and not be able to do anything about it. It has been my curse since day one and even though it had never stopped appearing every now and then from behind the shadows, it had not threatened to consume all I value and care for in such a brutal manner. It kills you to just stand there, yelling, kicking, screaming, coaxing and pleading and see that nothing works, not a single damn thing, it is the front row seat and the nightmare rolls on. If there is someone out there called as God, I sure do have a huge bone to pick with you.

My own life does not amount for much. After a while you realise you are damaged beyond repair and as if that was not bad enough there comes the gala treatment. Bit by bit everything falls apart, you first try and hold a brick and another and yet another, then you start sounding like a broken record and beg and plead for something that will stop it. It never does. You stand there alone in middle amongst all the maimed and the dying with nothing but fancy sounding words for comfort.

Three years back, I was at this same point, I thought I'd never get there again, that if I loved and cared for the ones close to me, history won't repeat itself. How wrong I was. I do not know, I am trying hard, first to coax myself that no a little bit more effort and things can be fixed and later to coax my loved ones on the same lines. But I have read this script before, I know the ending and I distinctly dislike it. Do not even know why I am posting this here, but I had to get it out of my head. And this is for you life, you are one sad, pathetic and sadistic creep, who does not even have the decency to pick on someone of its own size.

Update: I am mobile again, but all my old phone book entries are gone, please mail or message me with your number if I had it in the first place. Yes, the number is still the same.