January 04, 2003

Turn the page

Three days into the new year and there is hardly any noticeable difference. Yes, the calendar has to be changed, which after a long time managed to move to December from the preoccupation it had with September. No, I am not complaining at all. Surprised eh? Well, I am not. Life has settled comfortably into a steady rhythm on a macro scale with minor tremors of good and bad dotting the micro scale. All-in-all it has been okay, nothing special, the ends just about meet and the circle completes. In all fairness, it just about evens out.

Minor misunderstandings and major muck ups notwithstanding it has been an eventful year. Learnt and unlearned a lot, with plenty of space left to learn a lot more. There was not much by means of celebration on the D day, just a couple of close friends, the usual alcohol infused moments of joy, messages that never got sent because of the networks getting jammed and a wonderful morning walk on the wet roads at 5:00 AM with a good friend. Not really exciting I agree, but who was asking for excitement anyway? Compared to the unparalleled disaster it was last year, this one was good, measured and maybe finally it is settling in for good into the cranial space that things have slowed down.

At age twenty four life really is at the crossroads. The tales of the past years have to be given a decent burial, they have outlived their usefulness and is nothing but excess baggage now. It is funny how it has become sort of impossible to identify with some of the emotions that have meant a lot till a while back. Frankly, it has become boring. Maybe it is because I have changed a lot in the past year. Did a lot of things that would have been unthinkable a couple of years ago. Experimented a lot, some of them came off, some did not, but one thing is for sure -- it was nothing like what they said in the books, that was just their truth and you just have to make your own. At least I won't die wondering now. Guess that is all what matters in the end, to leave nothing unsaid and no stone unturned about things that mean anything to you, irrespective of what the results might be. You can't win 'em all, you see.

Looking ahead, I have to enforce some changes in a few things. It has been more than two years on this job now, way beyond what I myself or anyone would have thought I would last here. I am doing pretty well, all things considered, but there is always the threat of stagnating. The only issue is to find an area that would be worth trying to push the limits again. Let us hope time has the answers. Relationshipswise too it is an open road, there is nothing binding anywhere, still the few that are there are pretty special, tied together with invisible strings that have often taken a lot of beating. In some of them I have pulled back a bit, in others I am sticking it out way much more than I would and should normally have. Then again, did I not mention I have changed?

The most memorable thing about the New Year yet? Hmm.. it was riding home two days back through the thick fog with almost zilch visibility and the early morning walk. There is something about winter mornings. Is it not? If not for anything else, Delhi is more than worth all the trouble for just that. To round things off, I got a wonderful gift for the New Year, a friend whom I thought I had lost due to the cold indifference I can show at times got back in touch today. Had been trying to apologise to her for while now, but with no luck as far as getting in touch goes. She called to wish me today and I apologised for my moronic behaviour and now things are back to normal. Life is stinky, but I have to admit it is good. So, let me stop before I change my mind about it.

Happy New Year to all.