January 28, 2003


The weather has been just amazing out there since yesterday. It was drizzling slightly first and by today it has graduated to full-blown thunder, lightning and the works. Not that I have been outside a lot, but it just makes for a wonderful environment to be in. After working continuously for twenty days together, finally got some time to sit at home and let go of things for a while. No visitors, did nothing other than code for a good twenty hours in two days. Feels good to use the brain once in a while, even if it is for really crappy code.

It was both alarming and comforting to have time for oneself and sleep in my own bed at night after such a long time. It even felt alien. It was alarming because I spend very little time by myself, at times due to compulsion and at times due to choice, but mostly due to the latter and it is scary to be alone. Not the evil spirts sort of fear, but something like being alone with your thoughts and as it is I am prone to thinking way too much unnecessarily. It actually takes an effort to stop myself then. It is comforting because you almost forget how it is to take things easy, slow and pamper yourself a bit. And the beautiful feeling of not having to meet deadlines on a daily basis.

Cynical and pessimistic are two words that I have been hearing a lot in conversations in the past few days and I really do not have much to say about it other than that it can be labelled whichever way one would feel like, but I can only think in the way I think. It is not a matter of making a statement but more or less a matter of being what I am more comfortable with, but that does not mean that I do not try. I do, it is just that I am more comfortable accounting for the worst case scenario. If it turns out well, great, if it does not I do not want to be caught unawares. I hate surprises, especially of the nasty kinds.

Honestly, I am at a loss on how to deal with the element of survivability. It used to be uncertain earlier if I would see the other end of the tunnel if things were to collapse, but now it is a fact. I know for myself that I will live in the end. What confuses me is if it means that nothing ever means anything to you anymore or is it that you have stopped actually feeling for anything. There is no consistent answer for it, it varies with the mood. When it is all hunky-dory, you are tempted to think that by some twist of fate things have changed, when disaster strikes the "nothing ever means anything to you" mode kicks in and when it is all over and a new day begins, I sweep the hurt and loss under the carpet with the "stopped actually feeling for anything" approach. How I would love to have some consistency now.

Two stones in my pocket girl, I keep them for my dreams
I'll give them both to you now, 'cause you need them more than me.
Two stones in my pocket by Neil Halstead