August 13, 2002

Relapse

Wonderful early morning ride on rain soaked roads through a constant light drizzle. The stretch to CP via Janpath in such conditions at that time is as sinful as lust, not to mention as satisfying. Four hours of patient waiting at the railway station for a train that has its mind set on not arriving at all follows suit.

Not that I mind. Late city edition of ToI is chewed through and spat at in less than 20 minutes. An uneasy calm sets in, driven more by pure exhaustion than resolution. Sardonic voice announces yet again that the train is delayed further, I am not complaining. To be very frank do not want to go anywhere, home, work or wherever else, just want to sit there and watch the rain fall, trains arriving and leaving, cleaners and rag pickers moving about.

Numbed mind, numbed thoughts. There is quarter of a mile vacuum between me and the rest of the world. Just want life to gently pass me by while I sit and watch. What I like about this whole set up is that, there is no one to impress here, I do not have to really justify my existence to anyone, I do not have to make a statement, or take any one else's statement. More waves of uneasy calm hit me coupled with more exhaustion.

Couple of porters come and sit in the chairs near mine, the air is filled with the smell of raw tobacco and burning beedis, I retaliate with my hot cuppa coffee from the nearby stall, they do not give a damn, I am just an eyesore in their world and I too am pretty happy with the idea. For once I am no one, nothing is expected out of me, I am just zero, I am contended.

Frantic exchange of gossip with the friend in the approaching train over SMS. Oh hell, they have managed to clear a platform for the long delayed train. Could have spent the whole day there.

There is a buch of painful questions and a general lack of enthusiasm towards life waiting patiently for my return like an obedient dog waiting for its master.

The relapse is over. Back to the world of understanding misunderstandings and more restlessness. Good morning life. I could almost say I hate you, if it were not for the fact that I am stuck with you till the end. Have to keep up appearances, you see.