August 23, 2002

Only if....

If there was one thing about your life that you could go back and change, what would it be? I have sat down with this question for company on many a desolate night when nothing seemed to make sense and till date I have not found an answer. The times when I am happy, I do not want to change a damn thing. It is not perfection but a thought firmly grounded in the feeling that this is as good as it gets, for it does not take a lot for everything to go downhill. It can happen even in the next moment.

The trouble really begins when I am feeling down and out, it can get as bad as hating just being me for making life so difficult for myself. My mere existence then becomes my greatest nightmare. Days like those are underscored with a symphony of stoic silence. Well, the stoic bit is just a front. It is a sign that screams out loud "Leave me alone". Everything looks horrible then. Even the poor traffic policeman at the red light seems to be cooking up some scheme to trap you and further extend the abysmal depths of your suffering. There is a conspiracy around every corner. Watch out. Anything you say can be used against you. The underdog defends valiantly with monosyllables.

These days, maybe for the first time I am wishing in my life that I could change something that I did a while back. Normally, I do not give a damn for the things that are past, no point in gloating over them. If I could have done things better at that time and if I had the faculty to think straight then I guess I would done them anyways. And as I am fond of saying at the drop of a hat, hindsight comes with a holier-than-thou attitude.

But what if your actions affect another person's life and you possessed all the faculties to realise what was happening? Can you really say we all are responsible adults, to hell with it and walk away? What wins over ultimately - the responsibility towards the act or the responsibility towards the person? I really do not know and am living the answer in a way and the answer like myself is confused and ambiguous.