July 30, 2002

For Neethz

How do I start on this? To write on something very personal that I still have not completely sorted out, yet something that does not fit into any coherent stream of thought is not easy and frankly can be very boring. It is mostly bursts of memories, events, lots of heartburn, sweet pain, anger, frustration, peacefulness and countless other emotions that fit into a canvass painted over a period of four years, over a distance of three thousand odd kilometres.

Somehow relationships that have something substantial in them never comes to an end. They just cease to exist in this mortal world as reality is too confining for them to survive here. So they pass away.... like good people dying in fairy tales and going away to heaven they exist in a world unhindered by reality.

It is strange how even when it all comes to an end you never stop loving those people. They still exist in words, songs, places and memories that live with you forever and once in a while on days like these they come back to haunt you.

When I say you never stop loving them I really do mean it. I for instance try my best to cover it under the blanket of understanding for I do not want to hate her, I do not have any reasons to hate her, so why should I? I have seen other people trying to come to terms with it by countering it with anger, hate and so on. Me, I have suffered enough in love itself, do not want to suffer more by bringing hate into the equation now. After all what is the point when you know for sure like the fact that it never really goes away from you that you cannot ever hate the person too.

Honestly I cannot speak for others. In the end I am only the sum total of what my experiences made me and this is what I make of things. So you can always differ I do not have a problem with that.

But it does feel a bit sad at times when you want to give so much in return to someone who has given you so much, taught you to be at peace with yourself and wiped away softly all those invisible tears, listened to all things big and small, touched you somewhere deep inside where no one else has ever been and then to walk away from it all as your love can only hurt her is well.......... Still, I put on a brave face and smile fondly when I come across the songs that she used to sing, fond memories of a time that has long gone.

Like I said, a relationship when it is that deep never ends. It is something like chopping away your arms. It is gone but your nerve endings are still there. When you touch something hot, you immediately pull back. Same thing with love and other emotions. It is naturally programmed towards certain people. Just because the mind says finto the heart does not have to follow suit all the time. The nerve endings are still active and it takes a while for the impulses to die down. Maybe they never will. Scary to think they might be there for the rest of my life.

So why all this sentimentality on a hot and humid Tuesday afternoon? I do not really know. It has been two years and more since 2000 when I had to start life all over again, on a clean sheet of paper bleached in the happiness of the love that she unselfishly showered on me, on which I started writing with the tears that have silently flown ever since for each living moment that I have not had her with me.

Maybe it is finally leaving me now.

Maybe it never ever will.

I miss you Neethz, I miss you a damn lot.