July 30, 2002

For Neethz

How do I start on this? To write on something very personal that I still have not completely sorted out, yet something that does not fit into any coherent stream of thought is not easy and frankly can be very boring. It is mostly bursts of memories, events, lots of heartburn, sweet pain, anger, frustration, peacefulness and countless other emotions that fit into a canvass painted over a period of four years, over a distance of three thousand odd kilometres.

Somehow relationships that have something substantial in them never comes to an end. They just cease to exist in this mortal world as reality is too confining for them to survive here. So they pass away.... like good people dying in fairy tales and going away to heaven they exist in a world unhindered by reality.

It is strange how even when it all comes to an end you never stop loving those people. They still exist in words, songs, places and memories that live with you forever and once in a while on days like these they come back to haunt you.

When I say you never stop loving them I really do mean it. I for instance try my best to cover it under the blanket of understanding for I do not want to hate her, I do not have any reasons to hate her, so why should I? I have seen other people trying to come to terms with it by countering it with anger, hate and so on. Me, I have suffered enough in love itself, do not want to suffer more by bringing hate into the equation now. After all what is the point when you know for sure like the fact that it never really goes away from you that you cannot ever hate the person too.

Honestly I cannot speak for others. In the end I am only the sum total of what my experiences made me and this is what I make of things. So you can always differ I do not have a problem with that.

But it does feel a bit sad at times when you want to give so much in return to someone who has given you so much, taught you to be at peace with yourself and wiped away softly all those invisible tears, listened to all things big and small, touched you somewhere deep inside where no one else has ever been and then to walk away from it all as your love can only hurt her is well.......... Still, I put on a brave face and smile fondly when I come across the songs that she used to sing, fond memories of a time that has long gone.

Like I said, a relationship when it is that deep never ends. It is something like chopping away your arms. It is gone but your nerve endings are still there. When you touch something hot, you immediately pull back. Same thing with love and other emotions. It is naturally programmed towards certain people. Just because the mind says finto the heart does not have to follow suit all the time. The nerve endings are still active and it takes a while for the impulses to die down. Maybe they never will. Scary to think they might be there for the rest of my life.

So why all this sentimentality on a hot and humid Tuesday afternoon? I do not really know. It has been two years and more since 2000 when I had to start life all over again, on a clean sheet of paper bleached in the happiness of the love that she unselfishly showered on me, on which I started writing with the tears that have silently flown ever since for each living moment that I have not had her with me.

Maybe it is finally leaving me now.

Maybe it never ever will.

I miss you Neethz, I miss you a damn lot.

July 26, 2002

Wish

Go on, indulge me.........
Give me something to believe in
Please......

July 24, 2002

Digression

Confession time. I love mushy movies. I love films that have endings where the whole cast walks into the sunset. I love it when everyone is happy. It brings a happy smile to my face. It brings wonderful showers of optimism to an otherwise arid landscape airbrushed with a predominantly pessimistic shade.

How can I like such movies when I am a pessimist? Good question. Only problem is that even I have not found an acceptable or reasonable answer for that. It could be that people often like watching things which they cannot themselves be. Like a ninny watching a movie where the lead character is a superhero. Hmm.. it does make sense in a strange way. I want things to be happy and contended like in the mushy movies. Do I make sense? I do not think so. But that is rather academic.

But there is another side to things where often I feel like a marooned alien in a strange planet sending out signals hoping someone would respond. Each time a blast of those strange utterances leave the transmitter a certain amount of optimism goes with it and when it does not return 10 units of optimism is deducted from an already dangerously depleted tank. Enough of aliens now.

I am irritated, restless, I feel like an untrained sadhu on a pin cushion. Ouch! You can now imagine my discomfort. I am digressing again. But what was it that I wanted to say? As if I have any clue. I am just bluffing/fibbing. All these are just bubbles of sporadic explosions of directionless thought.

Thoughts, now why should we think? We go round and round in circles like uncivilised tribals dancing to some mad tune. I am as directionless as you are or as full of direction as any one else. Why should I think when all thought is known and thought already? Can't I just shut everything off like an obedient computer. shutdown -h now. BILP! GO SHUTDOWN NOW!

Eyes red in concentric circles, wild and wicked handlebars, clouds of smoke run to either sides of the road. I am the coyote in the mad cartoon. I am chasing meanings. I hit walls, mountains, mallets and countless other not so nice objects. Vroom vrooom......... I am riding over the hills... yes yes...... it is the end of story.... karma dharma all paid up....there I do down the cliff with a serene smile on my face. I won YEAH!!

Wake up Codey...... you took the blue pill...... that was an illegal operation...... you crossed the door. Now you are stuck here. Chase the bouncing bunny now. Skin, wheatish skin... bunny etched on skin.. chase her, chase her..... Can't be true Can't be true....... I honestly went down that hill..... in a blaze of glory.. this cannot be happening... mommie they are cheating...... I want out of this game NOW!!! Read error....... Abort, Escape, Retry. Sorry, the command exit cannot be found.

Excuse me girl but I need to go to the Queen's castle. Could you please show me the way? See I am supposed to be there for tea. She is the Queen of hearts I cannot disappoint her you see. The nice thing in nice frock turns into wicked thing in wicked dress....... KABOOM......... spell is cast the word time is erased form cognition. Damn cannot have tea with the Queen now and have lost my only chance to redeem my heart. Dive into the nearest rabbit hole...... WHOOOSH.......

She is wearing red...... blood red....... I poke my finger with a shard of broken glass...... yes. that is my blood all right. She looks brilliant. Lovely. Desirable. One step at a time towards the inviting smile. One touch. Everything falls apart. My blood is all over the place. HELP!!!!!!! Alt+F4, Alt+F4, Alt+F4..... This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down now.. you will lose all traces of sanity that was carefully built up through the session. BLIP again.

Hey you...... monkey number 12........ Started I look at the leader. Yes my leader... I mumble...... He has a funny look on his face... and resembles Brad the missed Putt. We are going to blow up the world, we are going to blow up the world..... monkeys blew up the world.... monkeys blew up the world....

On bike now........ deadly payload in pillion. Stop Stop SCRRRREEEECCCCCCCCH!!!!!!!! Cops checking vehicles ahead. Someone has let out the secret. No way I am going to get through this one. I am dead meat. Cop walks up pot bellied et al.

Can I see your license and registration please? Mad scramble for some dough to pay the bribe. Zilch. Nothing turns up. The cop is God. No no.. I mean the cop is God. He gives me a chalan for enlightenment. Take it to the nearest place of worship, you can redeem it.

TRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGGGG!!! The bell rings. In the jostle for the stairwell. Where am I? Oh it is the college, graduation days. Drainpipe jeans..... teenagers bob all around. Phew! all that was a bad dream. Walking on I run into someone familiar. No no...It is my boss...... too late to retrace my steps. Towering in front of me he hollers. Boss what happened to those special pages? There are too many mistakes. Boss this cannot go on. I point my all in one magic remote at him. CLICK! he is dust now, history.

The alarm on the cell phone goes off. It is early morning. I hear the birds chirp. Mild summer sun peeks naughtily from behind the trees and the leaves dance in the gentle breeze like school kids in a parade. Pack up time. Not a good idea it is to finish ahead of schedule. Yet another boring day beings in another boring way. YAWN!

Why

Even when you and I breathe the same air
Through which we exchange the same words
Even when we live the same colours
That paint this wonderful world
Why is it that I am still a million miles away
Even when we envelope each other?

July 20, 2002

Jewel

And you could hurt me with your bare hands
You could hurt me with with the
sharp end of what you say
But I'm lost to you now & theres no amount of reason
That could save me [From Jewel's Break Me]

July 18, 2002

Lies

Every truth that I say is born out a lie that I have no faith in what is, was and will be
It is a lie carefully concealed in so many smiles, words of encouragement
And fleeting moments of unreasoned joy
I am just an old man on the wayside pointing the direction to you
What you see as space in my heart, is only an empty vastness
What you see as affection from me, is only an act of self pity
The time you think you take from me, is actually the time I take from you
I am here forever, a prisoner for eternity in a moment
I am smiling in my clairvoyance, while
I am fighting to hold back my tears
Query

Have you ever flown around people and objects in a dream? Well, I guess that is why it is called a dream in the first place. What a daft question.

July 16, 2002

Wonderwall

I am at work, surrounded by mugs of semi-decent tea
Want to write (badly) on something [yeah, the pun is intentional]
Nothing comes to my mind
Got a bad cold
I am feeling like a 5 year old
Feeling insulated from the outside world
Blocked nostrils scream no exit.

Hahahahaa....... if you have not barfed over those seven lines yet, God help you 'cause I would have if I were you. But then when you are down with your first ailment (be it even a stupid irritating cold) in almost a year, got to play it up folks.

Goodnight that will be all for today.By the way....... aaatchoooo!! excuse me again. Where is that goddamn hanky?

I am delirious. Haahahahahhaha.

• I want to make funny faces at the security chap sitting outside. Stick my tongue out at him.
• Want to go raging into the night screaming "Ring a ring of roses" to the non existent ghosts out there
• Should remember to thank all the people who have done nothing for me in advance, in case they would ever do it in the future.
• Attempt at making intelligent conversation with the mongrels on the street.
• Ride to 7 Race Course Road, walk up to our PM, poke him on his nose and then go giggle giggle giggle...... [not that they would let me in, but hey I got a cold, so anything goes!]
• Repartition my hard disk at home and lose all the precious data over it and then mourn over it with a smile on my face and tell anyone who asks what happened "Just did it... swoooooosh".
• Hack the headline for the for the first lead to say something like "Beam me up reaper dude: Omar Sheikh"
• Ask colleagues to stick my home address on my back so that they can pack me back home even if I decide to ride to Bulandshahar instead of where I should be headed after work.
• Watch telly all night and not work at all and when asked what happened casually reply "Oops I forgot!"
• Rename my blog to either Meticulously Undercooked or Meticulously Underplugged.
• Gosh, ought to shaddup before they send for the straitjacket.

aaaaa........aaaa.........aaa...........TCHOooooooooooo!!!!!!! xcuse me :D

July 15, 2002

Xcooz moi
Aaatchoooooooooooo!

July 11, 2002

Face to Face

Ha'aretz has a very surrealistic story [via Kottke] on Arin Ahmed, a 20 year old communications and computer programming student at Bethlehem University, who as a suicide bomber refused to carry out her mission and was eventually arrested by the Israeli Defence Forces.

In the rather longish story, Arin is interviewed by the Israel Defence Minister Benjamin Ben-Eliezer in the prison and the whole conversation is rather disturbing. On one side is a man who refuses to let his humane side cloud the cold judgement that his official responsibilities forces on him and on the other is a 20 year old girl who has virtually destroyed her life without actually going through the bombing.

Somewhere in between you can clearly see the cycle where no one is willing to forgive and there is just more and more pain in store.

A few quotes from the articles that just clung on to my mind as I went through it. Especially the last quote, the answer to which holds the solution to the problems that plague the region:

• He listens, but doesn't say anything. She sighs. "What will become of me? I have no future. I don't want my whole life to be ruined because of this. I'm at the beginning of life. I didn't do anything. Don't forget that. I didn't do it. I changed my mind. Please, let me out."

• "To each his fate," Ben-Eliezer says, and then he leaves the room.

• "To be honest, I felt sorry for her. I admit it. I thought she was pitiable. I found it hard to fathom how a girl like her, an educated young woman with her whole future ahead of her could have ended up in such a situation, ready to commit such an inhuman act."

July 09, 2002

Mmmm....

On days like these you do not want anything else
But to be held close and warm
No questions aired, no answers asked for
Peaceful in your arms
Unraveling the curly locks on your forehead

July 08, 2002

Off to sleep with a bit of S&G

In the clearing stands a boxer,
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame,
'I am leaving, I am leaving.'
But the fighter still remains


Somehow I can very much identify with the boxer. I will lose in the end, but I will go down fighting.
You got me in the end mate, but you never ever really got me.
Nitey nite :)

July 07, 2002

I....

.....seldom practice what I preach
.....am too proud admit that something did hurt me
.....have no values worth mentioning that I keep
.....take my friends up when it is not needed
.....let them down when they need me the most
.....have perfected the subtle art of procrastination
.....have no faith in anything
.....am never there for anyone in trying to be there for everyone
.....am guilty of most things that I accuse others of

July 04, 2002

Hush!

I am reading, quiet now!

July 03, 2002

Updates

Yep, Netfirms have gone fishing and I refuse to make the CSS inline. The result: The CSS is broken. Hope they come back on soon.

Uh oh, yet another BIND bug. This one is nasty, really nasty. The BIND code auditors ought to be skinned alive for this for this as I believe is the third critical vulnerability in a very short time. Busy times for packet flooders and script kiddies and sleepless nights for sys and network admins. God save your boxens lest the devil seek you out and your bind.
Tux tales

It has been a struggle all right. With a crawly dial up and an internal modem the lofty aim of setting up the cute penguin as my main OS has not been a cakewalk by any means. But it has been entertaining and also very informative as to why as things stand Linux will never make it to the average Joe's desktop.

Yes, I will hear lots of howls about Mandrake and Suse, but what I am aiming here is a desktop/development environment that will at least equal what I have with my Windows 2000 setup. As an out of the box install it might be okay, but if you want to customise and use the set of tools you love having, it is a steep climb even for those people with an adventurous spirit.

This is where things stand: Very happy with mail, browsing etc....... Can pick and choose from the brilliant Opera to the okayish Mozilla to the sluggish like an ambie Konqueror browser, things are pretty much hunky dory.

Bundled software: Love Apache, love MySql, love PHP, love PostgresSql, love Perl......... I can go on and on. No, I do not use pre compiled binaries for most of the stuff. They suck and suck like bad, I want all my stuff in /usr/local dammit and not all over the damned directories.

Development tools: Zillions of them come bundled with every distro and frankly I cannot be bothered by them at all. Do not have the time or inclination to use any or most of them. But for anyone who wants them it is a dream.

Windows software: Yep, this is a major cribbing point. Some of the best software out there comes only for Windows and if you use MSN messenger to keep in touch with people, then you are in for a major troublesome ride.

To a certain extent this issue has been managed by Wine: Have managed to get Trillian running on it, so that takes care of all the IMs and I use Codeweaver's wine. My experience with it has been very good. The latest build is from February 2002 I believe, but is stable enough for me.

Aside: Everybuddy, the best integrated IM for Linux segfaults for me. Have not bothered with it ever since as I have Trillian on Wine :)

I miss my Dreamweaver. Period. Wine simply refuses to run Dreamweaver. Hand coding HTML, yes I am all for it, but no way I am going to do that on a page with more than 800 lines of code on it. Adobe's GoLive installs and runs on it, but it is so slow even on my P-IV rig with 256 megs of RAM and 32 megs on the AGP card, that even a single mouse click takes ages to make the software respond.

One major gripe I have with Linux are the RPMs, supposedly the Linux equivalent of the Windows installers. But, I am sorry to say they just do not make the cut. I prefer the source installs any given day. Combine moronic RPM's with thoughtless implementations of software really makes life one huge mess for the poor penguin trying to become the desktop star.

For instance. You want to install Nautilus, the droolable file browser for Gnome. Anything less than the Redhat 7.2 [I use 7.1] distro and the source/RPM will tell you that you need to upgrade your version of ORBit to 2.x at least coz poor package_config is lost out there trying to fish it out coz the damn thing is not installed. So you hunt down ORBit 2.x and try installing it, there comes another dependency unresolved..... you need the latest version of Linc, to install Linc you the latest version of Glibs and the tale goes on and on. And all this to install something that is supposed to make life easier for the average user. I rest my case.

Otherwise things have been very good. Following the dependency trail for Nautilus I decided to go all out for Gnome2 and its libraries, no point in installing half the packages needed for it and then to have a broken install of the older Gnome. So I have been downloading Gnome2 packages over the past week and I should be through in a week or so [Remember I am on a humble dial up that gives me a max of 12 kbps for a couple of fleeting seconds].

One of the main reasons why I want Gnome2 is because of anti-aliased fonts among other things. Yes KDE gives me that already, but somehow Gnome is faster and stabler. And going by what KDE looks with AA Gnome should be heaven as far as I am concerned.

If all of you have not been bored to death and fallen asleep on the keyboard by now, I really do admire your resilience.

Must leave now. Some other time. Now you know what has been keeping me away from these parts.