December 21, 2001

appy budday

huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge.......... hugs and thank yous to all da ppl who made this day soooooo special to me:

Daads, Shaj (no words for these two coz the know me best and words are a waste of time to try and express wot is between me n em, in fact wubbe kinda insulting too), Vij (booooootyful cards...... been a pleasure knowin ya :X) , Reshu (for stayin up till 12 and being the 1st one to greet me on the day, sunita (mah dearest darlingest onliest bongie), neena (quite an accent dat was. but u are the best ever ukno wot;) hehehhe )

thanx again

December 20, 2001


Sometimes loss can be the best of things that can happen to ya. After a long while I think I have decided for real to make a move. Not to wait for people, their lives, emotions etc.... These all are wot I have on offer.... take it or just walk away... you are important to me but I refuse to have my life depend on that.

Decided to let someone go..... Kinda feels so funny to have that happen again.. so familiar the whole process has become.... but i do not know.. i need more from ppl and their lives, its charitable etc being in the backgroud for ppl and to be good entertainment for them once in a while but i cannot he honestly expected to have my life depend on that.

People say i am changing.... mebbe i am. No i defenitely I am. I also need to survive. Maybe its permanent. Maybe you all will hate me after this. But its a fact and life does not deal in fantasies.... just fact and fact remains..


December 19, 2001


Nice soft music, almost alone at work..... living comfortably in my bubble, at peace, cancer stick on my lips, slightly levitated mentally that is, on schedule, can't see worries coz rearview mirror is smashed out (i did it), headlights out, bills pile up, so does paperwork, all needs on hold, want to make the moment last, cannot understand the need for dope when your mind can give you the best kick, smoke risees in so many imaginative vortexes, mind wants to follow them like a child chasing a butterfly, thoughts swirl around me, tea is brilliant, very sweet & strong with a spot of ginger, another sip, winter is lovely, sit alone with yourself and the thoughts my only loyal companion, satiated, food waits on table, ants want the first bite of it, other than that a few inanimate computers give me company alongside the unorganised organiser neglected cellphone on which no one calls, bottle 1/10 filled with water (rough estimate), wish i c'd get into their world as an inanimate object and give them all life, that will need searching, do not want to search..........

December 17, 2001


Broke a resolution yesterday.... It was not even for me...... It was for a pal... Why? I donno... I have no clue.. I knew I sh'd absolutely not have done it at all.. It just upset a carefully bulit up sanity and life system totally... so much so that I am feeling unbelievably horrible.... and wot was it all about? something that might not even happen. right now am in a huge mess..... cannot think straight.... i am screaming like hell frm the inside...... why am i like this? i live in a complicated manner... life sucks then and everyone has a problem widdat... i make my life simple..... sort out the little niggly things dat take up so much of my time... and people hate to believe that i do not have many issues then and its for real...... they go poking around telling me there is something wrong.....

December 13, 2001

Errr..... terror strikes India?

Pity they dinn kill even a single empee...

Read more


Suicide squad attacks parliament, 12 dead

December 11, 2001


Move move move move move. Need make life move. Resolutions to patience are like mucho wasted.... AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGhhhhhhhhhh......


December 06, 2001


Man I love Tom C Greene at the Reg, read this and you will understand why:

Witness if you will Microsoft Outlook and Outlook Express, the two most efficient virus propagation utilities ever devised by human intellectual failure.

Read more of the story at the Reg here

December 03, 2001


Inaudible i cry again
ground under my feet
sinks, darkness consumes
me and everything else
Last glimpse of life
I see over my shoulder

November 29, 2001


Workin on my own blog code.. need back up for all the stuff i pen coz its done on free stuff... no dough=no relaibility....... so no news for a while....... ;)


November 24, 2001

Just great

How much better a start can you have for your day?

1) No transportation to get to work
2) Sis complaints ab't u "neglecting her"
3) Work sucks
4) So does life

November 23, 2001


I am not ashamed, I am doing it again, I am walking away and I am happy.

Call it a favour or a curse or a gift, somethings always remain the same, you cannot erase of yourself what you are and no matter wot I cannot erase the fact that i am a sucker.

I smile when I lose and the deeper the loss, the more peaceful the smile becomes. I am smiling again and I am at peace, I am not complaining.

November 20, 2001

Just for once?

Seems hard to do it.... but I should manage it once in a while..... but i cannot seem to..... get blamed for all that is wrong.....

November 16, 2001


Am feeling sleepy, need a nice warm bed......... skin and some warm coffee to stay alive........ any takers?

November 13, 2001


Why is it that I feel like committing murder now?

November 10, 2001

Walk away

Just that is all, go walk away, be like everyone else....... you are welcome to... thanx for using this form of entertainment....... Just do not leave your memmories with me, that is all that i charge..

November 09, 2001


Somewhere there has to be a point to all this. When and where i have no clue, do not ask me but i am sure there is or i must at least delude myself there is.

there are 24 hours in a day and the number of hours that i am happy or that i think i am happy is like almost zero. It's a wonderful world with multi-colored madness in it. Nothing is stable in it. People colors moods. One fantastic painting.

Someone hung up on me bcoz i was tryin to be funny........... and i was not offending anyone... mebbe i was offending just myself......... and she slammed the fone down...... why? and have not heard from her since....... life will never make sense to me..... like the song goes "the more i know, the less i understand"

my daily routine as a graph resembles some wild goose chase, even by the time i reach the first node i am a loss to where my initial objective was ot is it that i do not have one at all?


November 07, 2001


I died again today, on the footsteps of heaven. Heaven that I thought was mine, at least I secretly thought so. Time and again it happens, sick jokes are sent with an air of deja vu. I do not have answers, just tears, silent soft ones, why did I have to die again?

Shall I send a thimble each of these tears to all those who have meant anything to me? No I won't, they will spit into it and keep it away, even these tears do not belong to me, they would not want me to cry. I shall lie from now on... I am happy coz i am dead. I have ceased to exist.

This pain has to stop somewhere...... this hurt is too much...... I am at a loss for words to explain how it feels..... But then why do I see things where there nothing? Is that I am just delerious or is it that I am the most available dummy to play a prank on?

No I was told it was no joke, I asked again.... It was not.... I lie here now....... dead
I feel the most intense hatered for myself now

not a good sign :(

Am kinda likin it here... esp since blogback is up now....... someday am gonna fiddle around with the templates.... nice feature, like that like that ......... ;)

@work and listening to takfarinas....... as usual bobbing up and down in a sea of depression trying to follow all so rare beams of light frm the lighthouse of happiness..... someday am gonna crash against some rocks and sink in some unknown shores..... peace........


November 06, 2001

High And Dry

Sometimes.......... when it hurts ya so bad...... wot do u do? U smile and you walk away...... Defeated? yea.......... Dejected? yea..........

Lost for words - the song and the feeling

November 02, 2001

Bad days

Well when are they not bad eh? Hmm....... had a nerve racking day till now..... a great good pal screamed at me for like half an hour together... For a change the fault was mine, in fact the whole relationship in this case is a markedly different from what i usually get into. Give and take ratio is like 2:98. Started the day with wanting to lose her....... ended with wishing like hell only if things were easier and that she stayed on with me...... Unrealistic expectations....... wot started the day with...... is where i am now........

Have lots of work to do..... plus a nice personal project to code....... Might list it on sourceforge if some day i can get the quality of the code to something like even a pre-alpha level. Well, what is it? heheheee..... a goddamn CMS of crs........... :)

October 29, 2001


Do i? Do i not? I want to but i do not want to.............. she gets me going sky high....... but am scared of heights too........ the world looks amazing from there.......... still am scared...........


October 27, 2001

Who the f@^k Am I?

Not that it really matters......

People tell me I am a journalist by profession.... but I am not really sure. It could all be a conspiracy you know. I am a hack in all senses of the word, chopping other's copies to shreds, getting mine chopped by others, packaging stories, general website management, usability and navigation, aaaaaaarrrggghhhhh....... the works in short :) Spare time is consumed by reading, tech (I code my two bits) and chatting in a room (hosted on the server with the ip addie Pssst....... the server runs Eshare Expressions 4.0 for webserving and the chat management and is hosted at VSNL Mumbai ;)), the name of which according to Merriam Webster means: a furtive flirtatious caressing with the feet (as under a table).

Sex: O�>

Age: Classified Info :-/

Turn ons: Music, sex, women, poetry, desolation, a good book to cuddle up with, motor sports, computers, people, places, words, images, life, sadness, joy, emptiness, Julian Barnes, Asterix, Garfield, Umberto Eco, simple people, rain, water, moderate perversions, long train journeys, winter walks, Sylvia Plath, Robert Redford, Oliver Stone, Rage Against The Machine, SoundGarden, Mark Knopfler, Pink Floyd, Temple of the Dog, Sting, Mazzy Star, Nitin Sawhney, Kishore Kumar, Anita Desai....what the heck eh? the whole deal.

Turn offs: Back stabbing, not keeping one's word, lying to please, Linda Goodman, M&Bs, hooch, Anu Malik, bad breath, forwards in my personal e-mail address, hangovers on a Monday morning, being back in the cancer stick habit after staying clean for 2 years and the inability to kick it now, Missy Elliot.

Location: Latitude : 28.38 N Longitude : 77.12 E
Saturday and at work, well what is new? of course nothing is.... People still keep dying in the world (mostly innocent) the rich and the bastards thrive. bosses work for less and get paid a lot more... the drones keep humming, afterall the economy needs to function, the world needs to move on.........

Sleep as usual is elusive, been clocking like 6 hrs of sleep in 3 days, not a very good move if u consider the fact that I have to keep up during nights because of my work...... Tomorrow is my precious hours off...... considering gettin sloshed actively, been two months since i have done that!! Am i getting domesticated finally? ;)